A blonde-haired blue-eyed boy, my opposite in every way that mattered. You taught me to climb trees, hide under houses, and lie to my mother. We weren't even teenagers yet, but by the time we were, you would be nothing but fond memories and a stash of scribbled notes.
The end came with all the suddenness of the sunrise to a drunk, and I felt the hangover as they dragged me from under your bed. In retrospect, it wasn't the best place to hide.
Six months later, I learnt that I could function without you, and defeated the ghosts with regret. I've done it many times now, and it makes me smile that you would have been proud.
ii
You were cute in a way that nobody noticed. Your face-angles never matched the curves of hair, and orange-scent breath had the same problem with the whiteness of your teeth. I still remember the first words you directed at me:
"You can't have jumped that fence; you're a girl"
The challenge in your voice was palpable, and for the next chapter of my life I would rise to them all.
iii
Tabula Rasa - I didn't learn that term until sometime between five and six, but I always knew why I chose you. You were everything my hands wanted; pale and bloodless, no definition to speak of.
I plucked and pulled and pushed and poked, until edges formed under my palms.
You were my favourite past-time, the secret project that most attention spans would be too short to complete. I dabbled in alchemy to turn your coal to diamond, and you thanked me by reflecting my brilliance. Only you were too bright, and I needed more mirrors.
iv
Arrogant; it describes you to perfection. At the time, I didn't notice, I was too intrigued by the facade of stability hanging from your neck.
You taught me that I deserved the best; inflated my ideals, and never lived up to them.
ii - revisited
A moment of weakness. You thought, as your first love, I was perfection. I thought I could handle it.
Two proposals later, your face still didn't register the irony of 'indecent' versus 'marriage'. Your happily-ever-after was younger than mine, and I disagreed with the ending.
Instead, I spent most of the night buying drinks for your cat-eyed girlfriend. I told myself it was so she wouldn't sense electricity, but it turned into so much more.
v
I called you Adonis and gave you everything.
They look at me and whisper "denial", nod their heads knowingly, and think that there is too much depth for something non-sexual. They never crawled into your bed at two in the morning, just to smell acceptance.
You left while I struggled to stay asleep. Neither of us wanted our last words to shiver in the empty room, and neither of us would speak first.
Two years later and you are etched on my skin, a permanent reminder to never-grow-up.
vi
I have never felt so comfortable in the hollow of another person.
Gold trophy winner
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