I dreamt of
a far-off doorway
and pondered
its meaning.
Was it a message about
what could lay ahead?
Down the dark
passageway resides
the answer
I seek but
in cowardice I ran from
the doorway instead.
Author notes
Prompt: Try A New Form
Form: Shadorma - A syllabic poem. It has six lines - with a syllable pattern: 3/5/3/3/7/5 (The end rhyme is not part of the form). I guess, technically, this is a Shadorma chain.
Picture Credit: http://angelicxscars.deviantart.com/art/Hallway-93106645
Critical Comments Always Welcome
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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This poem here holds such truth, its easier to just run away and back into the known then risk everything by walking into the unknown.
Well penned in my eyes
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Brilliant!
This is so full of imagery & metaphor! As a dreamer ~ BIG TIME ~ I can totally relate to this. You managed to get a great deal of potency into this short write. Trust you'll do well in the Contest! This is a winner to me.
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This is a really interesting form. Great content. Love where you took it! Thanks for entering my contest. I'm honored to have you show your work here!
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Paloszoo has asked me to co-judge with an eye to form so this comment is centred on form, my opinion of the rest won't count in the judging
Not a form I know well, Spanish in origin and with no set rhyme or not, when rhymed the rhyme pattern usually matches in each stanza. This is perfectly to form, one comment I would make on the rest is I believe in line six you want lie not lay, that apart seems fine from the technical standpoint.
Jeff
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I like the form in this one. The first stanza sounds excellent. the second part is alright, but this part doesn't work right "but
in cowardice I ran from
the doorway instead."
I read it more than once and each time I get stuck around there, like the flow is off a bit..
it could just be me, but check anyway ok..
good luck
kat
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