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Disillusionist

clear
morning
brilliance,
scentsation
of a wild garden
a lush seclusion of
shadow-veiled verdure dressing
mist-enamelled branches above
jewel-painted flora abundant.
lost-wax serpents, golden and silver,
spiritual metallurgy
manifest life-energy,
its siren serenade
an enticing
invitation
sublime
which
leaves
no room
to resist.
affectionate
heart-coils entwining
me into itself
this unconditional
surrender into rapture
strips away the phantasmal
shared-reality illusions, with
only wind-voice and leaves left behind.

my
fractal
paradise.

Author notes

Your line limits forced me to break the rules of my form. I liked it better at 27 lines but I don't think that's good enough. Oh well.

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6
  • Wonderful peaceful imagery!

    Thank you...


    Az


  • lindaburns gold member
    February 6

    Edit | Reply
    I have to remove your entry because after you entered it in my contest, it won silver in another contest. (Go You!)

    While I have you here, let me just mention that - if you are not using your poetic license to make “scentsation” a word having to do with scents rather than senses (sensation) the spelling is off a little. For “enamelled”, you may mean “enameled”. Have you seen this poem centered? It’s rather elegant and lends itself to your written words.

    • intoothandclaw
      February 6
      Edit | Reply
      It did? Wow, so it did. I hadn't even noticed that. Sometimes I don't get all my messages. Or else I just forgot. Sorry about that -- I should have removed and replaced it myself.

      And yes, "scentsation" was a deliberate portmanteau. And no, I usually don't center my poems. I'll try it out since you recommend it.


  • SandhyaSuri
    January 20
    Edit | Reply

    You are one of my finalists

    Hi

    You are one of my finalists. Good luck!

    - Sandy

  • SandhyaSuri
    January 17
    Edit | Reply

    Great effort

    This is a great effort considering the limits I have put on the lines.

    See what you can re-create or expand on.
    Your style is quite similar to mine and thus I understand what you mean by the restriction.

    Thank you for your submission. Good luck with it!

    -Sandy

    • intoothandclaw
      January 19
      Edit | Reply
      It's not that I couldn't expand it as that the form I ended up using has a strict syllable/word counting formula. I literally can't make thirty lines with that form without breaking the rules a bit. Good thing I made it up so I get to do that if I want.

1 - 6 of 6