I'm fading
In the static of the night,
I can't help but breathe you in.
A memory I know I should fight;
but, oh, all the things we might have been.
Your voice keeps echoing every doubt-
could have, should have all worked out.
You were the one that always swore
never come in the front, to leave out the back.
But then you opened me, and now what for?
When you were creeping out with all that I had.
Chorus
And now I'm stained in dreams,
of all the things that never were.
Colored me in tacit screams;
and I can't take this curse that I'm under.
Sodden dreams around my feet
Promising hands drug me down so fast,
and it took it's toll on me;
But I swore that we would last.
Tears were never louder; against a lonely bed,
and there, I trace your empty space.
With so many questions left unsaid-
the moon has finally had his say.
Chorus
And now I'm stained in dreams,
of all the things that never were.
Colored me in tacit screams;
and I can't take this curse that I'm under.
Sodden dreams around my feet
Promising hands drug me down so fast,
and it took it's toll on me;
But I swore that we would last.
Bridge
You pushed me away, and I see it oh so clear;
you didn't want me anymore.
So why the hell are you still here?
With every breath, I'm stronger than I was before.
In this pulsing break of dawn-
I'll turn away, and never look back.
I'll run, run away from you.
Find a new smile, a new start;
puzzled no more, now I'm patched.
I need to hold on to myself, find a different heart.
No longer, will I have to say
Chorus
And now I'm stained in dreams,
of all the things that never were.
Colored me in tacit screams;
and I can't take this curse that I'm under.
Sodden dreams around my feet
Promising hands drug me down so fast,
and it took it's toll on me;
But I swore that we would last.
Oh...I could have sworn
that we would last
Author notes
Ok so I had to write lyrics, and I wrote these inspired by Britney Spear's songs like Out From Under and Shattered Glass
For those that don't already know; to be Eighty-Sixed is to be abandoned;
rejected and forgotten
Whispered Devotions
A contest entry
- AP X Factor: Round Three [Top 12] by traffic light.
600 points, ended January 17, 2009, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I would love a critical comment on how I can make these lyrics better.
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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99 X-Factor
Originality: 8
Creativity/Poetic devices: 9
balance/cohesion: 9
flow: 10
song suits singer/rules/requirements: 10
emotion: 10
personal opinion: 10
general format: 10
quality of verses: 5
quality of chorus: 5
bridge is effective: 4
mechanics: 4
Extra credit: X Factor: 5
total possible: 100
While I was reading the first time, I was going back and forth in my head 'X-Factor or no? X-Factor or no?' As I was reviewing it, the scale tipped over to the side of X-Factor. The whole thing flowed wonderfully, I couldn't find many clunky parts. And I really loved the words you used.
One thing that I didn't quite like was the bridge. It didn't hold up to the rest of the song as I thought it would.
But I would definitely listen to this on the radio.
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Great song! Reading this outloud was a treat. Your words have a sense of smoothness to them. Wonderful. I thought some of your lines could be edited to flow with what they rhyme with. But I thought you had a very inventive, natural way of rhyming, more impressive since you used words that aren't unfamiliar. I loved this song, and though some of the longer lines could use some editing, think you did a fabulous job.
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Can improve and tighten
Lines 8 and 9 needs a bit of tightening. Try to look into what you were trying to convey and if it really comes through. A minor fine tuning of the stanza could help.
The rhythm is great. It's courageously inspirational lyrics and you took me back to some of my own memories there...so yes, it's strong. Works for me.
Goodluck!
-Sandy
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A few places a found a bit too wordy...it could've been toned down to help the flow of the lyrics...
Besides that, your emotion poured through. I would defiantly listen to this. They would make beautiful lyrics.
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99 - X Factor
Originality: 9
Creativity/Poetic devices: 9
balance/cohesion: 9
flow: 9
song suits singer/rules/requirements: 10
emotion: 10
personal opinion: 10
general format: 10
quality of verses: 5
quality of chorus: 5
bridge is effective: 4
mechanics: 4
Extra credit: X Factor: 5
total possible: 100
I thoroughly enjoyed this and although one or 2 places could do with some slight word economy, overall...I was able to put a tune to this in my head as I read it. It works for me
Laura
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87
Originality: 8/10
Creativity/Poetic devices: 8/10
balance/cohesion: 9/10
flow: 9/10
song suits singer/rules/requirements: 10/10
emotion: 10/10
personal opinion: 8/10
general format: 9/10
quality of verses: 4/5
quality of chorus: 4/5
bridge is effective: 4/5
mechanics: 4/5
Extra credit: X Factor: 0/5
total: 87
Lots of emotion, first off - and that is key in lyrics.
I really liked everything about this, except for several things. I think you could take out some filler words, it would help with the flow. However, there were many good-flowing parts, so I ended up giving you 9/10 in the end.
I thought the bridge was a bit too long -- perhaps I am being picky. Then again, if I were listening to the song, I think it would be more effective as half of that length, that way the hype of the song is left solid with a short but effective punch. If you have too much, then it just drags. Now that I am explaining myself, I do think I am being picky.
Regardless of that, these are good lyrics. I could definitely hear Britney singing this.
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there's so much beautiful imagery in this. the chorus is amazing. i really like this.
and it's a great song for britney spears.
goodluck in the contest
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Very good lyrics with a few problems. I am not a musician, so my impressions may be wrong but don't the number of lines in the verses have to be the same to fit the melody?
As for the first full line: "in the still of the night" could easily became "In the darkest night" or "deep in the night" or something alone those lines. In the Still of the Night is the title of the song Macdad was referring to. It's a good song - look it up.
I think you have alot to work with here, so have fun revising. Buff
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Wow. Okay. I think you have done an excellent job on this. The only thing that I would consider changing would be the "silent screams." It is a bit cliche. It does get used a good bit. I know that I have used a lot of cliche phrases, but I do try to steer away from them when possible. The lyrics sound great with it in there like that, but personally I would change it if possible. Anyhow you have done an amazing job on this. Good luck in the contest. The flow was perfect.
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Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it greatly. I have changed the chorus a little now.
I agree that it was cliche, the only reason though is because my prompt was to write a song that would suit Britney Spears. I absolutely love Britney Spears and one thing I have come to know of her is her simple and reletively cliche choice of wording.
And now I'm stained in dreams,
of all the things that never were.
Colored me in tacit screams;
and I can't take this curse that I'm under.
Sodden dreams around my feet
Promising hands drug me down so fast,
and it took it's toll on me;
But I swore that we would last.
Thank you again!
Amy
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Good Work
However, I have to say I have a problem with the first line. In as much as this is a song, the words "in the still of the night" are effectively taken by the famous song of the same name. While this may seem like a very small point, it struck me hard as soon as I read it. I really think you will be better off changing it to something more original and less easy to connect to an established piece that is so well known.
That said, well done, I believe that you are on the right track.
Good luck and keep on rocking! -
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Wait a minute... there is a song called Eighty-Sixed that even starts the same way as this? You've got to be kidding me?
I mean... aww man! the whole reason I titled this that way is because I had never heard anyone use it. I thought it wouldn't be cliche or something.
Can you tell me who sings it so I can look it up?
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