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a whitecotton summer
dots canola fields
with black - like
chocolate chips in
honeycomb icecream
heatwaves play
join-the-dots, and i realise
the earth is a giant bee,
pinned by naked branches
and harvested for sweetness
i walk closer, wanting
to see the forced segments
of rusted wire and dry
bedded streams; instead
i see heat destruction
in once-winged carcasses
and my sun-dazed skin
blushes burnt in sympathy
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Author notes
I hate summer - and I wish I had made this up.
A contest entry
- 5 senses by Melissa Gayle.
800 points, ended January 18, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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nice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i luv the last two lines!!!!!!!!!!!!! -
I like how you have personalised these vignettes of summer, the way you have used your reddened skin to tie it all together. '...once-winged carcasses' was a nice touch too. Cheers
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Bandit Appreciation!
Thank you for entering this write into this weeks reading list
your participation is appreciated!
The Poetic Bandits
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I have a fair complextion and the sun does not like me either. When I was a teenager I went to the beach with a girlfriend and feel asleep in the sun and ended up with second degree burn over the front of my body I even went into shock. Yes the sun can be cruel if we are not careful. Thanks for sharing, hugs Theresa
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Bandit Reading List
I liked how you described the sunburn and tose hurt by the way. I got one on my foot, one on my hand and one on the top of my head, if you could believe that. -
I clicked on this to read it in the Bandits reading list, and realized I already had. I definitely enjoyed the reread though, this is an amazing piece.
~lost -
Bandits Reading List ~
I loathe summer as well - I'm very "un-Australian" when it comes to the heat lol ~
This is a stunning write - I was captivated by the imagery you set for the reader and as a summer-hater I can relate wholeheartly with this
Fabulous write
♥
Stay safe
~Manda
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This is really very good and true of where we are right now, dying in this heat
I love the way you capture all the senses together
It's brilliant
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awesome
I am as well a hater of summer. I wrote one about it to! only its funny and rhymes, not as good as this or with as much imagery. I will be definitely checking out your other stuff. PS im new here!
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I hate summer too, particularly heat. Though it seems so far away with the miserable weather where I am. This has beautiful opening ("a whitecotton summer/dots canola fields/with black") and closing lines. An imaginative and imagery-laden poem with a novel twist.
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Well Written
Some lovely imagery in this poem unfortunatly as I am domiciled in the U.K. I do not experience the excesses
of summer so well described in your lovely descriptions.Nevertheless it is a nice well written
poem and I enjoyed reading it...George....
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"and i realise
the earth is a giant bee,"
That still gets to me. -
Very heavy in visuals but no one said you had to stay in the sun that long. LOL
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Can feel the heat rising and parching the earth dry...almost drought like in intensity. the imagery creates the harshness of an Australian summer and I keep getting pictures of driving into Dalby with the heatwave shimmers rising from the road as it turns in a dog leg with those cotton fields hugging the road. I am not sure about the and at the start of those two lines....this is an intense poem ....'pinned by naked branches harvested for sweetness ....my sun-dazed skin' ... those small words we use that soften a line .. my personal opinion still a very strong poem.
Dalby is a small country town in south west Queensland.
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The first stanza is quite heavy in its imagery (strange coming from me), I think maybe toning down just slightly.
I absolutely LOVE your final line. Excellent -
"heatwaves play
join-the-dots, and i realise
the earth is a giant bee,"
I LOVE that bee line. This is amazing, I can feel the heat and summer, and the images you give are so spectacular. Those last two lines are haunting and will stay with me. Wow. A wonderful piece! I wish my drafts came out this deep!
~lost
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I want ice creammmmmmmmmmmmmmm dude.
"join-
the-dots"
I thought that looked really weird on separate line breaks.
"and i realise the
earth is a giant bee,
pinned by naked branches
and harvested for sweetness"
Completely and utterly bitchin.
'giant' and 'naked' both feel like such stark adjectives to me, which I think really suits the piece...
...and fuck me, my stomach hurts like a bitch.
I think you could use a comma after 'blushes'; I kept creating a pause in my own head for that last line.
... I wish I knew how to say "I like this" in German. Damn...
how about...
JA for 'yes'?
;
Jessica
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I made some edits - but "burnt" is the shade of the blush - like make-up-esque, so a comma would be strange to me there; like saying "I'm painting my nails Brazilian, red"
... haha - I'm actually not painting my nails that colour - but I did before!
Thank you for your comment!
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OH - gotcha. <3
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oh wow, you have made this very deep! i love the stanza about how the earth is a bee and how you went on to describe it. this was definitely a feast for all of my senses!
great write and good luck in the contest!
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AGasdfdfdfd
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