I reach into darkest space.
Step over shyness and warning pain
to stand bold but quaking, waiting.
Rare of me,
but so fetching your beam in the fog.
Or perhaps your flame transforms me to moth.
With a soul like mine how can I resist?
Your touch so warm.
Hushes, rewards.
I drink your seductive instruction;
long for every brilliant word,
Friendship’s delight.
Questions, questions so much to ask:
A tide of how’s and mostly why’s.
Your answers true,
but then too few.
I, not fine enough to hold your regard
too dull to merit further time.
Your reasons, not mine.
The winter sets in, again.
Your warmth cutoff, in icy silence I am left
to collect my innards and savor my loneliness.
Reluctant, I place you on the pile
Yet, you’ll stand apart, a true loss.
Though a moth I remain, I’m not consumed.
That flame burns still-
but from cold afar I admire.
I’ll fly on, all guts, no glory.
Pain the great inspirer.
Pride the great motivator.
Bitterness the great destroyer.
I choose pain and move on.
And I wonder (but I already know)
Which is worse-
The outward stinging attack
or the slow poison of not answering back.
A contest entry
- a lack of words by freestallion.
600 points, ended January 29, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any comments welcome
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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there are a few little things, like repeating words, that dont really do it for me. but as a whole this is very strong.
i dont think you need to capitalize the start of every sentence..
this has potentia -
Yes!
I am not familiar with your poetry, which in some ways can be a good thing, like I'm not comparing this poem to your last masterpiece or total crap piece. Not that I would know if you had any bad poems. Anyway this here poem I feel is close to what one might call a masterpiece, So I can't understand why you plan to revise. Your poem is well written with great imagery, and some great metaphors. Great job and thanks for sharing. -
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Thank you so much! Someone said that a poem is never finished, just abandoned. I think there's always some little revision that could make a piece stronger. Thanks for the yes vote
! and your comments.
KW~
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NO Criticism Needed
I like this exactly how you wrote it. I don't think I could suggest any way to reconstruct it. No changes needed. Good luck in the contest. A deserving entry! Bluebird -
Excellent imagery! Excellent synopsis, "rare of me." Great word choice, "fetching". Excellent moth metaphor. Poignant "from cold afar I admire."
Outstanding "Pain the great inspirer/Pride the great motivator/Bitterness the great destroyer." Strength of character in "I choose pain and move on."
Intense and insightful conclusion "which is worse- the outward stinging attack/or the slow poison of not answering back." Excellent write!
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sorry, forgot to applaud.
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I find these to be my favorite lines
"Pain the great inspirer
Pride the great motivator
Bitterness the great destroyer"
They hold much truth nd the detail in the pom is great. -
Outstanding
"Or perhaps your flame transforms me to moth."
and
"Pain the great inspirer
Pride the great motivator
Bitterness the great destroyer"
Those are my favourite parts out of this entire piece, but as a whole, I don't even think I can come up with the words to describe how much i love this.
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