“I don’t love you” she whispered
She felt the tears pour down her cheeks
At words she knew to be untrue
It had been so long,
She had thought he was the one
Her eyes squeezed shut at all the memories
She had prayed so long
Her heart had hoped
One day he had to feel the same way
For countless nights she had cried
Tears like stars in the sky
A pain that seared her chest like white fire
The realization, the thought
Knowing as she said the words
That he did not love her back.
Author notes
Ok, so its cliche'... after going back and looking at it, I realized it was SUPPOSED TO BE CLICHE'..... it was kindof a way of showing how we all fell when we are in this position.
A contest entry
- the catharsis rounds; auditions. by aanika.
1800 points, ended February 10, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
no.
thanks for entering. -
no.
Please wait for the other judges comment. -
okayyy.
where do I start.
good things:
emotion
I liked the emotion.
bad things:
lack of originality
dependance on cliches
no punctuation (that's your choice though)
capitalization of every line.
I think you need to grow as a poet a little bit more, and maybe this contest will help you. I'll come back and tell you my decision closer to the closing date.
thanks for entering
-
This is my personal comment for the catharsis rounds.
Upon the closing of the contest, I will comment back with a 'yes' or 'no.'
That being said, I felt this was a bit cliche.
I've read many poems very, very closely following this pattern, with many of the same words and thoughts.
I felt your emotion, but it wasn't very originalized emotion, in my opinion.
There was some of your lines that I really liked, the one with "White fire" and "tears like the sky".
I'll be back. =]
-
ohh.
I like this-
the basic patturn and rythem is great-
but some less cliche words would be nice.
but I really like it anyway.
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