My lips have lightened your breasts
You should be sobbing like clouds
You have dabbled your toes in my winter
Your flanks should be dappled with blood
I have given up smoking and drinking
Our windows should run with the rain
Your wings tear away in the rain
You fall with your hands to your breasts
Into the tears you've been drinking
Into the churning of clouds
You have taken to blood
With the hunger of winter
With the set smile of winter
You run down like rain
It comes down to blood
To your loins, to your breasts
To the clouds
You are drinking
You should be drinking
The wells of the winter
Licking drops off the clouds
Like fingers of rain
Not squeezing your breasts
And licking their blood
There is more to that blood
Than the drinking
Than the thawing of breasts
Or the secretion of winter
There is more to the rain
Than just the filling of clouds
I could show you much more than these clouds
I could sing you more songs than your blood
I could stand and be still in the rain
But you just keep falling and drinking
In the winter
Ice shining bright on the peaks of your breasts
Though all the rain you are drinking
Makes dark clouds in your blood
I can weather the winter that sleets through your breasts.
Author notes
Sestina
A contest entry
- Show Me Some Form (Contest) by Paloszoo.
1000 points, ended January 23, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
No "criticism" needed. Enjoy it or don't.
Comments
-
Actually, Jeffie, as I mentioned to you in my side of hysterical message barrage, it is FAR from "traditional" to write regular iambic meter. In fact, if you read French you would find that Daniel (who I mentioned to you as the guy credited with "inventing" the sestina) didn't.
My college studies in literature indicated to me that there is NO foot requirement for this form. Anybody with any doubt should google it up and read at least 4 or 5 of the results (interesting in itself)
Most don't mention any restriction other than the format, which is what people associate with the form. A few mention that 500 years ago most were written in regular feet (as was MOST poetry of that time) but tend to either specifically state that various feet are used or not pass any judgement on the matter.
I didn't reply to this at first, but your correspondence convinces me that you are overbearing and flaunt you undeserved self-concept as erudite in such matters so I thought I'd put this here in case anybody ever reads this damn thing and might be disabused. -
Very creative and interesting piece. I enjoyed its intensity! Thanks for entering my contest. I'm honored to have you show your work here!
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Paloszoo has asked me to co-judge with an eye to form so this comment is centred on form, my opinion of the rest won't count in the judging
The Sestina is an ancient and difficult form and as far as the end word go this appears to be perfectly worked, the words fit in well and do not appear forced. It is traditional to cast a sestina in a regular iambic meter, or at least in a well balanced "odic" form, you have adopted a rather more informal approach to the form.
Interesting poem, well done
Jeff
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