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with me

fly with me over a tidal wave
and we will throw our pain away
float with me to the seventh floor
there we will spit on someone more
hide with me in a crowded street
so we can make love beneath their feet
dive with me into the sand
so we can see each other hand in hand
sleep with me down in the swamps
were we can laugh at the speed bumps
bathe with me in over our heads
so we can wash off our debts to the dead
dream with me of the end of the world
and we can escape it's faith
stay with me for just one night
then you'll know it's not a mistake

will you?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 11 of 11
  • S-j
    February 18
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    wow, this i loved think its one of your better writes, though ive not read them all yet.....really well penned wel done


  • ApollosMuse
    January 18
    Edit | Reply
    very good imagery.....haunting in a way!!lovely!!


  • L.Jay
    January 17
    Edit | Reply
    I like the abstractness of this poem, its very beautiful in its own unique way.


  • Byepolar bare
    January 14

    Edit | Reply

    A Good Work

    I love your imagery in this. It kind of has a slightly surreal feel to it, almost like a sober intoxication. Some of the points are a little awkward, like at the end of line 4...more what? I need to know. Aside from that i think "in to" should be "into" but i was never good with that, so i would get a second opinion. In line 8 the flow feels a little interupted, same with line ten (i would suggest where, instead of there).

    I particularly like the last four lines. It gives an air of abandon, like nothing else would matter if they just took your hand for one night. Just you, them, and a sacred moment.


    • Deathless1
      January 14
      Edit | Reply
      thank you for the input, i wrote this in a few minute on a feeling.
      i do need some better flow.

  • Bruce silver member
    January 13

    Edit | Reply
    This is beautiful, carefree and lyrical. Lots of great imagery. One thing, should it be "Tidal" wave?


  • The Cube
    January 13

    Edit | Reply
    Constructive stuff:
    Capitalize each line
    Comma after first line then period on second..repeat with each two lines
    Line 8, suggest comma or ( after the word 'other'

    Once you get to line 9, the ryming stops and kinda throws it off some.

    My thoughts.

    I liked it. It's a nice little piece of work to come from you especially after the stuff you've gone through recently. Ill have to look at it again after you've revised it.


  • Truthful Sinner
    January 13

    Edit | Reply
    Wow great emotion and very well written, plus i love the rhyme, good job sweetheart. Keep up the good work.

1 - 11 of 11