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map?

we walk on all fours
how the people in the hills do
throwing sticks and stones
not to break bones
to break spirits
and we all rub onions
in each others eyes
just to make us cry
then blow smoke in
each others faces
to get us high
and after all of this
lay down in each
others beds
it doesn't end at age seven
is this the nature of the mind
or the map we must follow
to enter heaven?

Author notes

this is life, but does it have to be?
i guess i am in a hippy state of mind.
but am i not right?

must we?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • The Cube
    January 14

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    An interesting mperspective on how life works. Pretty much we feel like well this kinda stuff has hapened to us so why not spread the misery? As if one person says why should I be the only one to have to suffer? Why can't I bring everyone else down for a ride? Well done.


  • ApollosMuse
    January 13

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    i had to read this several times just because it is that intrigueing and thought provoking...it points very closely to our true humanity that we seem to cover up with civility...this is a very excellent piece..thank you for sharing


  • Byepolar bare
    January 13

    Edit | Reply

    Engaging

    I have a couple spelling issues to air first...in line 13, unless you are speaking of the ingredient in industrial soap, "lye" should be "lay". In the second to last line, "mush" should be "must", its just a typo, I know, but it distracts from the brutal beauty of this piece. A wonderful critique of organized religion in this, even if it may not have been intended, occured. You make great use of metaphor in this as well. It makes you question a lot about who and what we are as humans. We have a nasty habit of being so destructive to each other, that it almost seems ritual. Brilliant work, no shame found in this promoted piece.


    • Deathless1
      January 13
      Edit | Reply
      thank you so much, i was already informed of the misspellings though.
      which really doesn't mater considering how great of a comment you sent.

      THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!


  • sassykitty
    January 13

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting and original - is lye a typo though? - I liked the flow and structure of this as well as the imagery of the map - mush for must? Nice write thanks for sharing.


    • Deathless1
      January 13
      Edit | Reply
      thanks for pointing it out.
      and thank you for your kind words.


  • Jocelyn.Jaded
    January 13

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    I really liked this poem. I can relate to the feeling of this poem [: Amazing job, I love it. Good write.


  • Lanasaur
    January 13

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    this sounds very intresting and i think this is set in ages ago i like how you set up and the flow of the poem and there is a question in one of your lines wich really makes it better making this a great write keep penning the wonderful poetry!!x

1 - 9 of 9