i generally mean what i say

but tonight i don't even know what it is i want to say. i'm lost in your walls; strange considering how much time i've spent looking up at them instead of looking at you-- which is exactly what i'm doing now. you'd think i'd know them by now. but somehow everything feels strange and new and i'm not sure i like it. you've assured me everything is really quite the same but all i know is that our hearts are pumping the same blood they've been pumping since we met and even before and we've still got the same tendencies. you to chew around your half-truths until they're soft enough to present to me and me, always chasing falling stars. but now we are different people, grown up, with different angles in our faces and different thoughts in our heads. our bodies don't fit together like they once did; i grew out of you like asthma or an attention disorder (which i never did, but they say most children do). we are crammed to fit on your twin bed. if we were puzzle pieces we would have become warped with the effort. you say my name and it takes me a second to realize why: you never used to call me by it, i was always babe. hannah never really existed to you which might have been the problem, but that's okay, i was guilty of draping you with exotic metaphors. my intentions were pure, but ultimately all i did was cover up everything mundane about you and immortalize you. so now, no matter how bad i want to let go, i can't. i made you too much a part of my world by turning you into my poetry. i finally get the courage to look you in the eyes. they're so dark that i can see myself in them, trapped somewhere between your pupils and your irises. you ask me the question i've been waiting to hear for months but i know my answer changed down the lines or days. you're under the impression that i'm a safe bet. but i'm betting i'm not and even though my lips are trembling and my heart is pounding so hard it's making my whole body shake i clench my fists and say, "i love you: i always have, i always will. but i don't think it's worth it anymore."