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inside and anywhere else

and I look at myself

spending too much time smoking
and missing something gone
away on the plane you boarded last month

more often I have forgotten the old surgeon general's advice
because cancer could not corrode anything
that you have not already exhausted
from the inside and anywhere
else.

I look at myself one friday
when a song is playing in the car
and I decide that I like the way it feels
so I roll down the window
and smoke another one
simply because I want to

my voice sounds raspy as I sing along
and I almost like it.

A contest entry

What did you think?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • heavenbird gold member
    August 3

    Edit | Reply
    you wrote this.



    (yeah, i had to dig for something i hadn't already commented.)


    but seriously, you wrote this.
    like, you wrote it.


  • aanika
    February 6

    Edit | Reply
    yes.

    I wish this were longer, but what I read I really enjoyed.

    thanks for entering.


  • Aesthete
    February 4
    Edit | Reply
    amazing poem


  • stasis
    February 1

    Edit | Reply

    yes

    I think that all round, this piece is excellent. However, there are parts that seem a little awkward to me and could be patched up.

    "I look at me

    one friday when a song is playing
    in the car and I decide that I

    like the way it feels
    so I roll down the window
    and smoke another one
    simply because I want to"

    I think that the "I look at me" would sound better as "I look at myself"

    Also, I think that that whole part would sound better as one whole stanza. It seems really choppy to me otherwise.

    Please wait for the other judge to comment.

    ♣ Tegan


    • heaven all alone
      February 2
      Edit | Reply
      Alright, I altered my phrasing, but the words and content are all mostly identical to what they were before. Do you think it reads less choppy now?


    • heaven all alone
      February 2
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much.

      Hmm. I will see if I can change it, and then tell me if it sounds any better?


  • Dalaney gold member
    January 23
    Edit | Reply
    another exceptional poem. i am going to read more. love, lane


  • yael
    January 14
    Edit | Reply
    i like this poem. you made me want to write one of my own.


  • righteousme
    January 13

    Edit | Reply
    because cancer could not
    corrode anything you have

    not already exhausted from the
    inside and anywhere
    else. ...


    i always smoke too many cigarettes and i am always waiting for that perfect one with just the right amount of cough and phlegm . that is the way it has to be. im already dead inside...

    thank you so much for your time and talents in this contest ...

1 - 10 of 10