I've heard some rumors about you.
And what I've heard isn't pleasant.
When I hear the words I hear,
My heart melts like liquid fire.
My chest is filled with burning pain.
I can't breathe and my head is just pudding;
Squishy and full of nothing.
I can't even tell you how much I hate it.
My memories reach back to that day.
The snow was pure white
And the wind just barely blew my hair.
I rode my bike to that street.
Across the way you stood.
I watched you and smiled to myself.
You reached up to your lips
And blew me the sweetest kiss.
My heart jumped to my throat
And danced there with my stomach.
My smile split my face in half
As did your own.
My legs were complete Jell-O
And I could hardly stand without shaking.
The snow continued to fall,
But I was in my own little world.
Now that I'm older,
I still reminisce in that feeling
And I still feel very much the same.
But you seem to have changed.
Now every time I see here
My heart is a hot air balloon,
Ready to burst at any second
Just to release the fire on her.
I have to stay calm though
And I have to do it for you.
You just have to see how much better I am
Because she is definately no good.
I still love you like crazy
And I wish I could run my fingers
Right through your shaggy, thick, dirty blond hair
And look into your bright blue eyes.
I want to see you smile for me again,
Your eyes glitter mischievously
As if you knew something I didn't.
Then I want you to do something you've never done.
I want you to gather me up in your arms,
Hold me close and never let me go.
I want you to brush back my long blond hair
And whisper three words in my ear.
I want to stand outside in the downpour,
With thunder booming around us
And lightning flashing in the dark sky.
I want to feel your hand in mine.
With our hair soaking wet
And our clothes sticking to our skin,
I want to feel your soft lips against mine
And your strong arms pulling me closer.
In the light of the sunset in between the mountains,
I want to be able to look up into your eyes,
With you looking down in mine
And I want to know we'll always be together...
But these things just can't happen.
Because she's in your life now.
I don't know if the rumors are true
And whether or not she actually likes you.
I just want you to know one thing.
You will always have a place in my heart.
Those other girls you spend time with...
Well just know that I'm so jealous of them.
Author notes
I sure hope there's enough imagery in there. I'm not real good at metaphors, but I tried. Ummm, I really hope you like it - It's about Daniel. I'm so jealous because I found out that he might be going out with someone else... It shouldn't bother me as much as it is, but it does. I wish it wouldn't so I've decided to give up glaring at her everytime I see her and let him figure out who she really is by himself.
A contest entry
- Envy (prewrites welcome) by Danna Hobart.
400 points, ended January 27, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How do you like it? Let me know if there's anything to fix!
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I can see that you are working on imagery. It will come easier with time. Right now, I think the biggest obsticle you have is that you are not quite sure how to show rather than tell, and it is not an easy thing to do, so don't feel bad.
Right through your shaggy, thick, dirty blond hair
And look into your bright blue eyes.
In these two lines, you are obviously trying to use imagery, but by using strings of adjectives, you are still telling. An adjective's job is to tell, so their use should be a minimum in poetry.
Another thing you need to be careful of is the use of cliche. A cliche is a phrase that is commonly used. Because it is so common, you can use it without any thought, which often keeps the poet from digging down and finding their truest emotions.
My heart jumped to my throat
This is an example of a cliche that should be avoided.
My smile split my face in half
This is a fantastic image! It says so much more than just the words. A smile is a happy thing, but one that splits your face in half sounds painful, and that is what this relationship is for you, both happy and painful. Therefore, the image fits perfectly. It is also a metaphor, because the reader knows your face did not really split in half.
Here is another image/metaphor that works very well:
My heart is a hot air balloon,
Ready to burst at any second
Just to release the fire on her.
But stay away from telling lines such as:
Because she is definitely no good.
How could you rework this so that it shows she is no good? Here is one example;
She is an apple
lying on the ground
brown and gooshy.
That is just an example though. I am sure you can do better.
Thanks for entering. -
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Wow that was a lot of advice, but I assure you it is very helpful. That's probably why I am no good at imagery... most of my stuff is very cliche. thank you again for the advice!
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moving on is very hard
i know this feeling
great expression -
Outstanding
There is so much emotion in this poem - your feelings for him go deep and I liked the way you expressed your jealousy- very convincing. I also liked the stanzas where you said what you would like to do with him - they were among the strongest in this poem. I hope everything works out between you.
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great write, spelling error 8th stanza 1st line. not a bad write by anymeans
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