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Adilu

(Sink my fingers deep into my eyes
And feel the cold pentrate
The countless burning fires
That sweep through my mind)


                               "Oh you are mine,
                              How you are mine."


  And I imagined us differently
  As we laid in bed
  With your porcelian face on my leg


Your wings stretched forth
Black and grey
From the descent into my life
Those fires I could not quell
Charred your feathers
Welcome to my Hell

                                       Poor angel


                                                      My fingers claw across your face
                                                      My teeth sink into your lip


I am such disgrace
And I mar your perfect body
Cause I want no other to claim you
Not even your god

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • hawkeslake gold member
    January 13

    Edit | Reply
    This is very interesting and I love your descriptions. For some reason on my screen, the lines that are not right justified don't come out very clearly and I don't think it adds anything to the poem to have them that far over on the page. But that's just personal opinion. The content from beginning to end tells a story, and I wouldn't try to suggest anything in that area -- it is really fine as is. In the last stanza, I think it should be "mar" and that is just a typo. This is really good and I hope there is a contest you will be able to enter it in!