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Fading away

Stitch my wrists back together,

sew up my broken heart.

Just try to string together

the life that has fallen apart.

 

Dance to the tune of my screaming,

the melody of my pain.

The rhythm of anxiety

will wash all of my emotions away.

 

Snort up all my happiness,

Shoot up all my bliss.

I'll smoke up your depression

and give you a good-night kiss.

 

I'll cry when the threads are cut,

when the music ends.

Then I will overdose on your cruelness

while my life becomes un-hinged.

Author notes

I hope this poem portrays the emotions I intended it to have. Please be critical of my poems, as the only way I can improve is if you tell me what you didn't like.

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments


  • Survivingbychance
    January 19

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. This is really good after not reading your work after all this time. The emotions in it are strong and ones that I think nearly every teenager has experienced. It's a really good piece and I like the format with the rhyme scheme.


  • poeticcaresses
    January 13

    Edit | Reply
    Well, I have to say that I disagree with the prior comment that it was too 'prettied up'. I've dealt with depression and suicidal tendencies for more than 20 years so I completely relate to this as well.  Depressive cycles and suicide attempts most definitely have a rhythm of their own. I feel you portrayed the cycles of this awful affliction very well.. especially for your age.

    Now for the critical part...
    The last stanza caught me up a little. You may want to consider reworking this part a bit so that it flows with the rest of the poem a bit better.

    However, I have often been reluctant to change my own poetry written on this subject because it is so heartfelt and full of pain, so my above comment is for your own pondering only and not at all necessary.

    Beautiful work.


  • My Last Breath.x
    January 12

    Edit | Reply

    Judge's Ruling.

    I liked this poem a lot, because it relates to me personally, which is always a goal to shoot for when you are writing. But more so, it should also be about yourself. I feel like you did portray this in your piece.

    However, I also feel like you were trying to 'pretty up' the idea of this depression, and the devices you use to fuel it. Drug addiction, self harm, this is not a pretty subject. It is cold, hard, raw, painful, and heavy. It shouldn't be made light of, or be dumbed down for people who have not experienced it. I feel like you were doing this in your piece in the sense that you were trying to pretty it up too much for the audience.

    Good luck in the contest.