She touched the weighty silence with both hands,
expressed frantically the urgency, the only sound
soft swishing as her fingers formed the thoughts;
so low was the moon sinking in the night, light was
vanishing faster than the air in her lungs, she gasped.
Guided by a man with no spark in his eyes,
nothing she expressed made it through to his head,
every few paces they both tried to cry,
each filled with an impending sense of dread.
Stars fell to earth, in them wishes of a woman
desperately needing to hear what a man said,
they died side by side in a dark, mossy bed.
Author notes
The edge color is midnight moss, the main color is random.
The poem is about a deaf woman and a blind man.
A contest entry
- Hues of Green in 12 Lines or Less (there's a catch) by The Fun House.
1050 points, ended January 28, 2009, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any ideas to help me better this?
Comments
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One suggestion. I would format this into stanzas. I think it would give the reader a break in between the thoughts there to digest them properly. Overall though, I think it is a nicely done piece and much enjoyed
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Okay what do you think about it now?
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Yes, I like the stanza breaks, I think it reads more solidly now and lets the mind expand upon each thought. Beautifully done
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the scenario reminds me a lot of this Gene Wilder movie where he plays a deaf man and his best friend in a blind man, it's pretty funny.
anywho...
I completely loved the ending. it was so soft. I find something amazing about moss and the fact that it was mentioned in both and title and poem made me pretty happy.
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