you got to me quicker than the
cigarette smoke that was
dragging
off your nostrils;
oh dragon man -
tempted to grab my sword,
you swiped at me
making passes like
I knew how to joust.
it ended up that you
mounted me:
put me in my place, for
I am but a lady;
my heart screamed and
fizzled
like acid.
something other than nicotine
poured from your mouth onto me,
in my hair, in my chest,
the beast to destroy the
damsel in distress:
already wasted,
you brought me
another mug of mead.
~~~
Author notes
And Hyetal
old poem: http://allpoetry.com/poem/2137512.
prompt: falling in love with someone you've never met.
A contest entry
- Most Improved. by heavenbird.
1450 points, ended January 26, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
of course that's how you're supposed to feel.
Comments
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Aha, I pretty much second everything that Stephanie said. It's brilliant and makes me feel like I'm sort of reading a Neil Gaiman book or something, if that makes sense. But certain phrases [the ones Stephanie caught were the ones I caught too] need a little trimming.
Also, I believe "destress" is supposed to be spelled "distress". That's my only nitpick
Amazing though, really.
♣ Tegan
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EEEEEEEEK TYPO I hate those.
Thank you, though.
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okay so the first stanza, is way brillant, i love the metaphor
but the oh dragon man, i would have put
O' dragon man! to streghten it, and this has a medevil scent to it, so the O' would have been like that, but thats just me. i do like that line alot.
the second stanza, again brillant. (i really like this poem) but instead of you swiped at me, maybe just you swiped, because of me, and my, and I, being i that stanza..already, and it might flow better without, idk?
thrid stanza, i love the fizzled like acid, i would have put a coma after fizzled though. unsure if youd like that.
next stanza is nicely put, but i woudl have worder this line like this: poured from your mouth onto me
and then the last line, great ending, maybe not so powerful, but i like it. and its concept
i really love this poem! good luck ad take care
Stephanie ♥
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oooh, thanks for your critique.
I think I'm going to work this around a little bit.
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hahaha...oh no
okays, hehe, i guess tell me if you do change it 0.o haha
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Hi!
There's only 2 days left for this contest, just wanted to remind you.
Hope you finish this!
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sorry for the delay, but it's done.
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Alright, let's see.
1. Depression. In it's darkest, deepest state.
No cliche, of course. =]
2. Insanity. Take it where you will.
3. Falling in love with someone you've never met.
Hope those are okay.
xD
take them wherreever.
If none of those are your thing, lemme know and I can try to think of something else. Hah. -
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hmmm, I like those. I think I can work with them.
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Okay. =]
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Yay! I'm very excited to see what you write up. xD
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are you going to send prompts?
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Hm?
Didn't I already send prompts? xD
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oh, you did, I just haven't written it yet. I promise I will before the contest is out. I just need some 'mulling' time.
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Oh, I'm sorry!
There's a comment from you asking me to send prompts, and I didn't know whether that was sent before or after I'd already sent prompts.
Take your timmmeee. =]
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