On a Sunday drive we chanced upon
A medieval village called Cessenon
And feeling peckish and looking gaunt
We entered a local restaurant.
The proprietor was over-friendly and he
Was not like a French restaurant owner should be
He took my arm and said, "Bienvenue,
Enchante je suis que vous etes chez nous."
He could see I was English, and he was too
He told us on Sunday there's a set menu
He said, "Come on darlings, if you are able
Take your seats at this window table."
The owner was Bill and the chef was called Ben
(I straightaway thought of the flowerpot men –
A children’s programme from when I was small
One that, really, I didn’t care for at all!)
Bill was quite small with an open-necked shirt
He appeared to me like a terrible flirt
He flitted around from table to table
Like that bloke in the film, you know – Clark Gable!
Included in the set meal was wine
Which the French seem to do a lot of the time
So I decided to try the local red
Which was crap – I should have had white instead.
Bill then brought out a plate with two lumps
Which resembled small gelatinous bumps
He explained that that was the aperitif
Marinated bollocks of beef.
Next came the weirdest-looking starter
Just on its own, a chipolata
This Sunday lunch was becoming a joke
For someone like me – a normal bloke.
For mains I was hoping for Dover sole
But what we received was toad in the hole
And then for dessert – and this is what pained us
A soufflé made in the shape of an anus!
I beckoned to Bill and said, “This menu today
Is it intended just for the gay?”
“Don’t be so daft,” he said, “What are you like,
That couple there – he’s gay, she’s a dyke!”
Author notes
The bulk of this is true. Check out the gaff - it's called the Restaurant de L'Orb at Cessenon-Sur-Orb in the Herault region of the Languedoc.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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HaHaHaHa! How funny is that! The rhyming of 'pained us' and 'anus' is particulary striking. What an eatery, my goodness. A real pleasure to read, and thanks for providing the much-needed laughs.
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And it's all true!
R,
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What an entertaining read!! Well done, my friend... I must go check out the restaurant one day!
Maria 
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Tks Maria.
Robin.
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Very entertaining with a wonderful flowing rhythm..love the humor.
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Tks ChurchillA.
R.
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In my dismal world you always have some insane view of the world you live in that evokes laughter from me. I would love to go to this establishment and have my own day of flirtation, if possible. You must be a charming lad, and quite handsome at that. I'm sure the boys were disappointed. RC
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sorry 4 not replying soona, tel lines down.
Tks 4 reading and commenting.
R.
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I always thought lil weed was gay lol
did the waitor flirt with you??????? they can tell you know
Mia
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Of course he flirted with me - who wouldn't?
Don't answer that Mia!
R.
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Flob dobble flob flobble dob
dob flobble flobble dobble dob
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Little weeeeeeeeed?
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Dear Mr Gastronomic-
Only you could have written something so -pardon the expression-'tongue in cheek'! Had to laugh-couldn't help myself'('what am I like'!)
As it so happens I was a great fan of Bill and Ben AND Little Weed! But my true hero was Noddy!-No-do not comment!!!
Hullbridge xxx
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Dear FerryacrosstheHumber,
Glad it's only tongue-in-cheek, rather than something else, horrid and smelly, that doesn't bear thinking about!
I insist on commenting on Noddy!
SO, you're one of those Librarian girls who nods "Yes" are you?
I thought you might be one of those "WellI'mnotquitesureactually-ohf*ckitgoonthen" ladies!
R.
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Hi "R", only you this could happen to.LOL. Should have gone to the local chippy....Do they have Chippy's in France.... Better watch your back in the future...Lv M...
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No chippies here Mal, just cafes.
R.
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Not quite there.
I think that you are consciously breaking your rules. The idea of "none" rhyming with "Cessenon" will not do. You were there after all so you know that the English "none" has a hard "N" finish whereas "Cessenon" has a soft "O" close in French. A half rhyme then. Likewise you have a part-rhyme with "time" and "wine" - you must try harder, "Monsieur Nougat" to be a proper rhymster. -
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Perhaps I was being a bit lazy Crispy Peking. I don't pretend to be the world's greatest rhymster - I just look for it in others, and moan like f*ck wen I don't get it, so, as you are one who has felt the lashings of my pen, I accept your criticisms in good heart (yer f*cker!)
Ribena. -
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Your most gracious apologia is most generously accepted with another good heart.
Your Very Own Little Duck
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Texas is looking better all the time
But France DOES have it's charms, big boy.
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Your Lordship (doffs cap obsequiously),
Yes, France has its charms - but I can't blame the Frog baskets for the gay cafe ; I'm ashamed to report that both Bill and Ben are English (I WISH they were Texan - but there again, you wouldn't HAVE them ; they're both small you see, and I understand just about everything in Texas is big - apart from your willy!)
Robina.
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