Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

~She's Become the Elm

~She's Become the Elm

She tapped on the tree and it let her in,
while every arm flailed in a whipping wind.
It inhaled the light, she was gone with no trace.
With treble clef lips she left the human race.

Now she watches over the last troubled city,
the cages have been emptied on streets no longer pretty.
Surrounded by darkness, she was crowded by knots,
yet safe from the muggings, rape and gun shots.

So, no more pain, no more sun
for a pathetic human race that's forgotten how to run.
Where equality is now unequal, with these loonies at the helm.
Now, with bark worse than her bite, she's become the elm.

Author notes

http://allpoetry.com/redbarchettadrive
Here's the link to the prompt :
http://allpoetry.com/contest/2433049

In a list

A contest entry

What did you think?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • amaranthine lover gold member
    January 22

    Edit | Reply
    It is really a good idea, but I think you need to reach more depth with this piece. It's not finished yet. It needs a ton of revising. It does have great potential.


  • Jesann gold member
    January 13

    Edit | Reply
    Unique take on the pic prompt.
    Very creative
    A great read.
    Congrats on the HM, very well done.


  • Sheli silver member
    January 11

    Edit | Reply

    SPEECHLESS HERE...

    OMG! You are absolutely Brilliant!

    I so so so wish I'd thought of it like this before!

    Whether spun of fantasy, or level as harsh life be, you have SO cpmpletely "nailed a sign on a tree" with this!

    OK, maybe not speechless, but really striving to make this comment for you, Poet, stand out amongst my other comments, as your most talented and stirring scribings, stands out, leaps in fact, to be read, (i could never have left after the title alone, and it drew me relentless and exquisitely on!)

    just WOW!!!!!


  • Everwind Rising
    January 11

    Edit | Reply
    I like the fantastical element in where you took this prompt. I see the you have the gift of a story teller and see the stories that are hidden in pictures just begging to be let free. I thought that last line was hallarious "...bark worse than her bite" that just hit me all the more funny after the dark element to the story.

  • rufusmaddadamaker
    January 11

    Edit | Reply

    catchy!

    I love the ebb and flow of this piece. Some of the words you chose lend it a humorous ere. How did she become a tree? The two undertones clash slightly, but this does not detract from the work as a whole.


    • redbarchettadrive gold member
      January 11
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your reply rufus!
      If you go back to the first line it says,"She tapped on the tree and it let her in",
      right here she become the elm. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


  • Kathraina silver member
    January 10

    Edit | Reply
    Brilliant! Love this piece. Flows so well, and vivid imagery that takes me into the story; superb rhyme also. Love the whole concept. Very creative! Bravo, and good luck!

    ♥ Kathraina

    • redbarchettadrive gold member
      January 10
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much. Did you see the treble clef at her lips?
      Or the word tapped written w/limbs at the top of the pic? That's where I got my first line. Thanks for the inspire & contest too!


      • Kathraina silver member
        January 11
        Edit | Reply
        I looked just now! I must admit I hadn't seen it before! Wow, clever catch!


  • Sadpuppet
    January 10

    Edit | Reply
    i've always been afraid that one day the human race would be destroyed by there own selves. this is perfect. it makes you think and embraces the imagination. well done.

1 - 12 of 12