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Wanting To Cry

Wanting to cry
Wish I could die
Wanting to scream
Instead I dream
Wish I knew why
You had to die
It isn’t fair
I was right there
Sitting right there breathing the air
There, next to you, without a care.
The road was icy
There was nothing to stop the truck
Except you and me, alone, with no luck.
Your funeral was beautiful,
Too bad I wasn’t there
I was stuck in the hospital,
Being repaired.
I’m still stuck here,
I’m lucky, they say
But it isn’t lucky
You’re dead on this day
They say that I’ll live
But that isn’t true
How can I live
If it isn’t with you?

Author notes

this is option number two. It was her boyfriend that died, by the way..

and option numbero 1. Yeah...

caterpillars!

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Kathraina silver member
    April 1
    Edit | Reply
    Good job on this piece.
    Strong emotion and good flow.
    Bravo!!!


    ♥ kate


  • stargazer.
    March 3

    Edit | Reply
    Originality: (6/10)
    Emotion: (7/10)
    Poetic devices: (12/20)
    Structure/flow: (7/10)
    Cohension: (7/10)
    Title relating to poem: (7/10)
    Personal opinion: (6/10)
    Syntax: (6/10)
    Diction: (6/10)



    Total:64/100


  • Anu-Nataraj
    February 25
    Edit | Reply
    omg this is so sad..
    but amazing write !
    good luck


  • Symphony
    February 20
    Edit | Reply
    This poem was so choppy that it was hard to read; I know you had rhymes in there, but they were disjointed, uneven, and a little all over the place in some sections which was hard to concentrate on -

    Favourite part had to be,

    "Your funeral was beautiful,
    Too bad I wasn’t there
    I was stuck in the hospital,
    Being repaired."

    Very well worded! Nice job, and thanks for entering


  • HereComesTheSun
    February 8

    Edit | Reply
    Postive: the line "Your funeral was beautiful,
    Too bad I wasn’t there
    I was stuck in the hospital,
    Being repaired." really hit me becuase it showed the truth of what had happened and this line really brought out the emotion in this poem

    Negative: to me there could have been alot more emotion in this and could have been alot less upbeat, for upbeat can sometimes bring a sad poem a happy-some feel. not saying this was happy but it didnt give off the normal sober poem feel.

    thanks for entering


  • Stormy Days
    February 1

    Edit | Reply
    aww this is a sad poem well written a lot a creativity and love went into this i agree that the lines are a bit short, but it works well for the poem and the fast pace just makes all the better
    ~GOOD LUCK~


  • RedAquarius
    January 26
    Edit | Reply
    As a non-fan of rhyming poetry, I am very picky when I do see it. This felt too...basic (roses are red, etc). I also felt the pacing was a bit too fast (lines too short) for me to really have a chance to get into the emotion. But, I applaud the creativity and sharing that went into it.


  • Princess Cuddle Bug
    January 21

    Edit | Reply
    woooooooow!!!!!!!!! is about all i can come up with! this has emotion just pouring out of it! i love it!!!

    thanks for entering and good luck,
    ~*Princess Cuddle Bug*~


  • Luciferschild
    January 21

    Edit | Reply
    this was definitely weird but i didnt like the flow, thank you for entering my contest and good luck overall


  • Umi Juvariel
    January 19
    Edit | Reply
    I thought the word placement and the rhyme kind of killed the sad effect this could've had. It seemed more like a 'Roses are red' beat than a 'We weren't so lucky today' feel. Still, I liked this poem. It was simple, yet carried so much with it. Awesome job and good luck in my contest!


  • Mak
    January 18

    Edit | Reply
    OH my God that's very Sad, you told the story in the most beautiful way that's possible I also liked the rhyme & the flow is very good.

    Thanks for entering
    Good Luck* thumbup*,

  • carnivalesque.
    January 18
    Edit | Reply
    aww, so sad...
    i like how short the lines are, they are straight to the point, and they make the entire thing flow really nicely.

    "They say that I’ll live
    But that isn’t true
    How can I live
    If it isn’t with you?"

    i love that ending. its so sad but sweet too. great write,
    thanks for entering!


  • RamblingRose
    January 11
    Edit | Reply
    beautiful. Wow.

1 - 13 of 13