the shawl was made of silk
a bronzey amber hue
with jet beaded fringe along
the edge
and flowers embroidered in gold
it was puddled on the floor
limp and left alone
its owner having dropped it there
abandoned
and disheveled
a history it had
of evenings on the town
dancing, dining, dazzling
glamorous
as the shoulders it draped
why now to be discarded
forgotten, bundled up
delicate material treated harsh
abused
forsaken by its lady
a whisper of sheets
a soft sensous sigh
emits from the bed nearby
intimacy
she shares with a man
What did you think
Comments
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cool and sexy great job
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I think this one is great. Very visual, nice language, doesn't have to resort to crudity for effect. Reminds me of an old Irish song called The Galway Shawl. Great job!
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wow thank you very much and you're right now that i look at it, i think we can lose the last, thank you for the help and the wonderful comments
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this is real fine .. it is good enough so that, actually, without the last five lines could be taken out ... because it is obvious and maybe more powerful without the explanation which, because this is so well done, simply isn't necessary, or just maybe leave the first line of the last stanza where it is and the rest of the stanza out , except add 'no longer ... do you see?
of course, it is a potent little gem either way ... i enjoyed it very much and it seems to glimmer or something ... you are bringing it alive somehow ... it think it is the way you progress through the imagry ... with flawless execution and flow
threeturtlesealofexcellence
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