Changes

Staring at the text book laid out before her, Lil blinked repeatedly and reached up to rub her eyes. The words were starting to swim, becoming an incoherent blur about Socrates and his thoughts on the gadfly. She was distracted, but it didn’t help that the material was drier than white dog shit. Tapping her pencil against her notebook in an offbeat cadence, she looked over at the clock again. It was only 9:24, six minutes later than the last time she checked.

Heaving an aggravated sigh, she rolled over on her back and tossed the pencil up at the ceiling, laughing when it stuck in the cheap tiles. There was no way she was going to be able to concentrate to study and she knew it, not knowing that Kilo would be there in half an hour. She hadn’t seen him since he graduated undergrad two years earlier. They’d been friends since childhood even though he was so much older. One of the perks of having an overindulgent big brother was getting to hang out with his friends. The three of them had been inseparable until Kilo graduated high school. After that, things just went to hell and they didn’t get to see each other much.

Glancing back at the clock, she grimaced to see that only another minute had passed. This was ridiculous! Rolling to her feet, she went to the kitchen and raided the fridge. All they had was a half gallon of milk and some processed ham. She curled her lip in distaste; she hated processed ham and Sunil wouldn’t quit buying the shit.

A knock sounded on the door, sending her heart into frantic mile-a-minute pounding. A glance at the microwave clock revealed that it still wasn’t ten, though, which meant it had to be somebody besides Kilo. Slamming the refrigerator closed, she stalked over to the door, preparing to send whoever it was packing. A quick peek out the peephole showed an empty hallway. Brows furrowing, she lifted the chain and undid the lock on the handle, slowly pushing the door open.

As soon as she emerged to take a look an arm wrapped around her neck and a man had her firmly in a headlock. She screamed and brought her foot down into his shin in a vicious kick. When he dropped her, she turned around to belt him across the jaw…only to realize it was Kilo.

Her eyes widened and she froze, fist a mere inch away from his face, muttering the only word that was repeating like a broken record through her head: “Shit.”

Pressing his lips together into a fine, white line, he made a noise that communicated just how much pain he was in. He straightened up stiffly, adjusting his leather motorcycle jacket with slow and calculated movements. That finished, he cleared his throat and reached up to run a hand through the flattened mess of his blonde Mohawk. “Glad to see you haven’t lost your charm,” he murmured quietly.

Shrugging, she made a face and answered, “Oh, I’m a god damned lady if there ever was one.” That was followed quickly by a dismissive noise as she backed through the door and waved him inside. ‘And what the fuck was up with grabbing me like that?” she demanded, obviously not appreciative of his attempt at humor. “What did you think I was gonna do?”

“Squeal and punch me like the cute little girl you are?” he wondered, entering the apartment and closing the door behind him. His face was split with a wry grin. She hadn’t squealed at seeing him since she was thirteen, but he still liked to give her shit about it.

“You’re a regular riot,” she shot back, trying her hardest not to smile. Within seconds she lost the fight, though, and was grinning from ear to ear. She couldn’t help being so god damned bubbly around him; it was a side of her that rarely saw daylight. But no matter how shitty a mood she was in Kilo could cheer her up in a matter of minutes.

They simultaneous moved in for a hug, squeezing each other tightly. He tightened his arms once more before letting her go. When he backed up he let out a wolf whistle and slowly walked a circle around her. “Damn, Lil,” he teased lightly. “Did you dress up just for me?”

“Oh yeah,” she agreed with a wink, placing her hands on her hips and puffing her chest out. “Broke out the stunna threads just for you.” This was a game they’d played since she was a kid. She was always just another one of the guys and dressed like it. Kilo and Sunil never failed to tease her about it. That night she had on a pair of black board shorts, black wife beater, and her Chucks—the usual.

When the subject of clothing arose, Lil couldn’t help but check out Kilo’s attire. He’d definitely moved on from his high school and late undergrad days. Medical school had turned him into something out of a fuckign Buckle advertisement. He wore a pair of nice black leather boots, stone wash jeans, and a bronze trademark Afflicted shirt under a black leather jacket. All in all it was quite the turnaround from faded tees and ripped jeans.

Strangely, she kind of liked the change; it suited him. He’d been an awkward teenager that always looked like a skeevy stoner. But now? He’d finally filled out and grown into his height, and the new clothing made him look all the more like an adult. She was kind of sad to see how much things had changed; they sure as hell weren’t kids anymore.

Clearing her throat, she quickly changed the subject. “So where are you taking me tonight, Doctor Trethewey?”

He laughed at that but refrained from correcting her. “I thought I’d take you out for a ride on the new Ducati.”

Her eyes widened when she heard the word ‘Ducati’ slip past his lips. It was like a wet dream to even get around one and here she was about to ride one. Looking up at the ceiling, she sent a special thanks out to the cosmos for having a rich friend. He hadn’t always been Mr. Moneybags. He got lucky when his adopted father decided he didn’t want kids anymore; after eighteen years he just stopped paying child support and made it clear he didn’t want Kilo around. The guy was effectively out of the picture until about two years ago when he heard his son was going to med school. He decided to give him a going away gift of one hundred grand.

Kilo had taken it without a backward glance and Lil didn’t blame him one bit. It was tough being broke, let along being broke and trying to make it through so many years of school on nothing but the wages you could earn and what few student loans were available. She knew he’d even resorted to dealing pot a few times just to make ends meet. The hush money went a long way in helping him get his feet financially. And here she was benefiting from the side perks.

Grinning, she snatched her keys from the coffee table and hurried him outside. “Let’s get this show on the road,” she exclaimed, hurrying to lock the door.

Once finished, they headed down the stairs. Kilo couldn’t help but smile as he watched her walk before him. She was light-footed as she bounced down the stairs, which made it all the more apparent that she didn’t have a bra on underneath that little wife beater; that much hadn’t changed at least. He could tell by the way she received him that life hadn’t been easy while he was away. The scene at the door told him all he needed to know and he didn’t like it at all. He was just glad that she’d be out of this dump and in college in less than six months. From what Sunil had told him, she had the grades to get several scholarships.

A desperate little moan interrupted his thoughts and he looked over to where Lil was circling his bike, a knuckle between her teeth as she fought down more noise. “Oh my god,” she breathed in disbelief, laughing a little when she tossed her bangs out of her eye. “Come on!” she urged, already chomping at the bit to go for a ride.

His lips twitched at the corner, but he grabbed his helmet and handed her the spare, hurrying to back the bike out on the street. He was quick to take off and headed for the nearest highway. He wanted room to run, wanted to show his friend just how awesome the Ducati really was. She’d probably never get the chance again and he wanted to make it great for her.

He ripped through the gears, zipping around the few cars droning down the road. Soon they were going ninety and it was smooth as hell. He’d have normally gone faster, but he didn’t want to scare Lil. She tightened her arms around his waist, enjoying the drag of the wind and the sensation of harnessed power roaring between her legs. Peace settled over her as they rode, and it was all she could do to keep the enigmatic little grin from her face. It was too bad this couldn’t last. Kilo would only be around until tomorrow afternoon, and who knew how long it would be until she saw him again?

Face falling, she sighed and hugged him tighter. He was always good to her and Sunil, but he couldn’t be around all the time. It was a sad fact, but true. She missed him horribly and it hurt worse to see how much he was changing. First the clothes and the vehicle, then Kilo altogether. She looked up at his profile in the dark helmet, wondering when it wouldn’t be cool to come back to the ghetto ad visit friends anymore. She had a feeling the day he was truly Doctor Trethewey would be the day she was no longer an asset, but a liability, in his life. The thought was sobering.

Kilo could feel her losing the thrill of the ride. She’d gone from loose and carefree to tense all of a sudden. Thinking he was scaring her, he slowed down and made a U-turn, heading back to the apartment. They arrived soon after and he parked the bike inside the apartment’s shoddy security gate, following her back up the stairs. Once inside, he collapsed on the couch and watcher her enter the kitchen and look in the fridge. She swore under her breath and slammed it closed again a moment later.

“What’s up with you?” he demanded after a moment. She always did the back and forth between fridge and living room when she was upset or irritated.

“We’re out of jelly.” The answer was sullen, her face reflecting her mood.

Rising to his feet, Kilo joined her in the kitchen, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close. “What’s wrong?” He was softer this time, pulling the answer from her with kindness rather than force. He knew it was the only way to keep her from clamming up.

She sniffed indignantly, submitting to his embrace with only a little grumbling. After a while she felt ridiculous for even having those thoughts about her friend. It was Kilo, for Christ’s sake! He’d never cut her and Sunil out. Would he?

No matter what, she had him here and now and she wouldn’t spoil that. Pushing back so that she could see in his very blue eyes, she smiled and shook her head. “There’s nothing wrong,” she assured him. “I just…” She stopped, faltering slightly before she looked back up and finished with a pained little smile. “I want to keep you just like this and I know you’re only going to keep changing.” Backing out of his embrace, she laughed a little and returned to the living room.

Kilo watched as she took a seat and flipped the TV on, casually lifting her legs to prop them up on the coffee table. He felt it too; their old lives were slipping away from them. It was almost like they were fighting a war against themselves and losing. The truth was he wanted to keep her just as she was now, too. He never got tired of seeing her shaggy, self-cut hair, and he wouldn’t know what to do if she stopped wearing those hideous board shorts.

Slowly, he joined her on the couch, easing back until his spine was curved languidly against the old furniture. He could see she was trying her damndest to keep smiling, but it broke his heart to see her hide things from him. Four years ago she wouldn’t have even tried. Now he was letting her. He brought his hand up to his chin, looking away from her in shame. What kind of an asshole was he?!

He tried to do something, say something to make her better, but it was like he was choking on the words every time he tried to open his mouth. It mattered so much to him that she knew he still cared. Having to voice it made him stumble, though. What could he even say?

Heaving a sigh, he threw his head back to stare at the ceiling. “This isn’t right,” he whispered, the words heartfelt and utterly hopeless.

Lil put her feet on the floor and sat up, carefully placing the remote on the table. With her elbows braced on her knees, she turned to look at him, those big blue eyes shining with understanding. She knew what he meant even without him saying anything else; it was knowledge earned through blood and hardship. It was there, all over her, for him to see.

For the first time in the history of their friendship, Kilo suddenly realized that she was a woman and had been for some time. Treating her like a ta-along kid sister wasn’t in the cards anymore. Their friendship couldn’t survive on the same terms as the last ten years of their lives. It mattered to him whether or not she was around, and that meant finding the courage to speak. Sadly enough, it occurred to him that he had been avoiding this for years, since Lil and Sunil’s parents were killed in the car wreck. It was at that point that Lil changed, but as long as Kilo kept up the status quo she was willing to keep playing along. Fuck, she must have hated acting like she was still a kid just for his benefit.

His gaze softened when he turned to look at her, saying, “Tell me what happened when your parents died.”

She went deathly still, refusing to look at him as she stared ahead at the TV. This was not the conversation she’d wanted to have. She had to fucking live with what happened day after day, but Kilo had never once dredged any of it up until now. The pain was still fresh even after almost three years. Her eyes flicked over to the family portrait that graced the wall just above the TV. Just like that picture wouldn’t be completely without her parents, her life felt empty and hollow without them.

Sucking in a breath, she finally answered, “Sunil dropped out of school and took two jobs. I started working any odd job I could find at fifteen and finally got a job at the garage when it was legal to put me on the payroll.” Her voice lowered when she said the next part. “I cut away the part of my life that was dedicated to them and made a new me just to survive.”

He reached out and touched the shorn locks of her hair, finally understanding what had motivated her to cut it all off. Continuing the movement, he slipped his hand behind her head and gripped a handful of hair, using it to pull her into a hug. He pulled her down until she was sprawled across his chest, cradled within the shelter of his arms.

Though she kept speaking, the words were unemotional, almost robotic. “The ruined everything for us when they died.” She hated being so fucking bitter about it, but her parents were idiots for drinking and driving. Every time she thought about how much they’d managed to screw their kids over, she just wanted to scream her rage and destroy things. It wouldn’t fix anything, though. Nothing could fix things at this point. Sunil would never go back to school; he’d gotten used to the monotony of working day in and day out.

Kilo petted her until she relaxed against him. The force of her words had fairly slammed into his guts. He felt like his stomach was twisted into a thousand knots because of how ignorant he’d been. All these years he’d assumed she hadn’t taken the deaths that hard because she was so cold about the subject. Knowing what he did now, though, he realized she’d taken it the hardest of them all. And she’d kept it to herself for entirely too long.

Smiling, he whispered into her hair, “Don’t you ever change, Lil Livius.” He knew the echo of their former conversation would catch her attention and was gratified to see her stir and look up at him, hope shining in the deaths of her eyes.

“You mean that?” she asked tentatively, the stain of assumed rejection think in her voice. She knew he liked to joke around a lot when serious subjects came up—so did she—but that didn’t sound like a joke. In fact, she was prepared to kick his ass three ways from Sunday if it was.

To her surprise, he tipped her head back and pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead. “I want you just like this,” he assured her. “I want you damaged and worldly—quirks and all.” Stroking his hand through her hair and down her back, he quietly reminded, “Our pasts influence the people we become. You’re stronger than most and it makes you…beautiful.” He hesitated to say it, afraid he might cross a line that he shouldn’t, but his honesty was rewarded.

Biting her lip, Lil ducked her head so she didn’t have to look him in the eyes when he said all that. She hugged him close and let the silence overtake them. She didn’t want to talk about her parents, didn’t want to worry about the changes that were sure to come. Instead, she would bask in this one perfect moment and treasure it always. Nobody had ever called her beautiful before. If they had, she wouldn’t believe it for a second. Coming from Kilo, though…?

Her gaze strayed back up to his face. He was her best friend whether he knew it or not, and it felt good knowing he was there for her NOW. Sunil was always telling her she couldn’t wait around for the bottom to fall out of things; it was just no way to live. For once, he was right.