will you see?
ten thousand furled blossoms
hiding under loam and leaves
waiting
for their sun to return
Come back
to walk through the seemingly endless gardens
overcome with the anticipation of summer
flowers will begin to lift their shy heads
up from the dirt
welcoming sunshine
Author notes
HARSH CRITIQUE PLEASE!! I want this as good as possible
Comments
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you have until 11 p.m. on Jan 12th to enter a new write, to go with your prewrite, if you do not enter one, this entry will be deleted. please put your name in the authors note, this is your one and only warning.
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I like this a lot. I could dort of tell it was a metaphor for a persoen (how you feel) but it was an extremely good one. One thing you could do is to get rid of one of the 'up's in either line 9 or 10. Other than that, this was an interesting and very well-written poem.
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I got rid of an up, what do you think?
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That helps. Anyway, great job with the poem, it's beautiful. Good luck in my contest!
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I quite liked this but do agree that sun could be replaced as could spring - try for a little more personification perhaps? Ditto the line 'To walk through seemingly endless gardens' what about infinite or eternal or some other synonym? You've repeated 'up' in two consecutive lines which you may want to address. Also feel the first half flows better than the second, and I do like the single lines - very effective, it's a shame they go towards the end. Be interesting to see where you take this one. Thanks for sharing.
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not using personification was a conscious choice, this is a poem for someone, and using the flowers/sun/dirt to represent people things
I didn't even notice how awkward "spring flowers" sounded, I'll work on that... somehow
thank you very very much for you help
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you could just replace sun with a synonym if you feel the need to change it...i think it is very good though and i think that they flow into each other..like push up their shy heads...and up form the dirt..you used up twice there but it flows together..it is very good
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I was trying to think of synonyms for the sun, but I want to make it obvious that the sun is a metaphor for one specific entity, and not multiple, or intangible things
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no i like it...i just thought if you felt the need...i really like it the way it is!
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I may try it just when I'm messing with some of the ify-er lines just for amusement, hey, it might just make it better. as I said before I am way to involve with this poem and the person I'm writing it for
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I like the first half of this poem more than the second. For some reason the lines "for their sun to return" and "the welcome the sun" feel awkward together in such a short piece... I really like the lines "hiding under loam and leaves/waiting" though. I like this piece, though.
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yea, I know it's awkward, but it needed something... I just don't know what
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