your bones used to be layers of
oversized white rose petals
and carefully folded little words
that looked like snowflakes
but stung my teeth into
smiles.
yet,
now your lullabies whisper
in minor keys --
no longer in breath or
the millions of layers you tore back
from your pupils because you found it
hard not to pull me inside.
the calendar betrays me and my
fingers sift to sand as they try
to remember just what day it is and
that the sun still rotates in
irritatingly usual patterns that
only seem to
ink sorrows to my moon.
and I'm counting seconds
for your heartbeat, as if
these tiny eggshell tears
will stun you to life.
ugly dust settles into the
deepest crevices of me that I can
feel but never find.
why must
my nerve endings erode--
incomplete.
Author notes
Tried to imagine a situation that would give me a lifetime of grief.
Hope I expressed it well.
A contest entry
- Any Poem Welcome by jayyniecakes..
1158 points, ended February 16, 188 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Emotional Round 3. Grief.
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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The emotions in this are poignent(sp) and captivating, the imagery fanominal. I'm very awestricken. A lifetime of greif, such a sad thing, but such a wonderful poem. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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A lifetime of grief is one way of putting it!
This was chilling, it had a mournful captivity captured within its words; almost like a silent keening wail -
It wasn't my style of poetry to read, however it was refreshing to see it amongst the others that I am currently looking over;
I'm not too sure what kind of situation one would apply to this, however you did capture the 'grief' scenario with your words!
thanks for entering
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thank you so much for the amazing entry...
p.s. congrats on the gold! :] -
beautiful and amazing and there are no words i could ever write to describe this... FINALIST!
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Ohhh. I like the last part.
Yes. Very you-y I thought. I am searching for something to say at the moment.... ...... .....
it was lovely and imaginer-y. That's not as original as I would have liked. -
There were a few places where the wording felt a little off to me like "INK sorrows to moon" and "STUN you to life" - I just think you needed some stronger wording there and you needed to discover that "perfect" word.
While I loved the imagery of "counting seconds for your heartbeat" I don't think the eggshell image was quite as strong, and again, just didn't "click".
Besides those things I think you did a wonderful job of capturing the cut-off, left wondering feeling. You seem to be asking "where did you go?" the whole write through your metaphors and visuals.
I especially loved the title; the image just drew me right in. Wonderful work! -
I think I've already read this one about 12 times, but I've never commented it because it intimidates me.
Anyways, this is gorgeous.
Every word used was perfect, and every image was vivid and beautiful.
My favorite is this:
"now your lullabies whisper
in minor keys --
no longer in breath or
the millions of layers you tore back
from your pupils because you found it
hard not to pull me inside."
Gawd this is so gorgeousss.
I see why you like these three the best, they're amazing.
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aww
the feeling that this gives me it is und describable
you have no idea
i really really love it
good job with saying everything that you were trying to say
thank you for sharing with me
god i love your work..
you make such lovelypictures that it leave me breathles
thank you -
beautiful
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There was so very much happening in the first stanza that I was inspired to read it over and over. The more I read the more flavor was left on my tongue.
This line confuses me;
"fingers sift to sand as they try"
Could you possibly mean;
"fingers sift [through] sand as they try"
or
"fingers [shift] to sand as they try"
I feel the intensity of loss here poet. A very keen take on the prompt. I wish you well in the challenge.
Much Love & REspect ♥
Renee
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now your lullabies whisper
in minor keys --
no longer in breath or
the millions of layers you tore back
from your pupils because you found it
hard not to pull me inside.
that is my favorite stanza I think. Some parts of this are hard for me to understand such as "eggshell tears" ... what does that mean exactly? Egg shells are fragile ... any bearing at all on the phrase? -
Judged: Adsaige
The repetition of layers..it doesn't work when it was just mention previously in the first stanza, due to how heavy it's former image was. It pales in comparison and takes away from the initial impact..
I see where you were going with it; this could use a bit of an edit, but I don't see anything major other than what I just mentioned; everything is minor. Sometimes, although you may not be put into a situation such as this, listening to others, watching movies, reading books, can help give a reference when you need it...It really is quite beautiful, I think.Thank you for entering. Good luck. *rose* -
Such vivid imagery and wonderful self expressing. I think this round would be the toughest yet. lol
Just amazing, I loved the sorrow and grief in this and all is you imagining. Best of luck.
Much love
~Noor
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Why. Why must I read the word "tears" in every love poem that doesn't have the word "heart" in it? lol. But seriously, you have some real strong images here. I think many of them get lost in an over-use of adjectives (which is the tool of a weak poet- and I suspect you can be a really good poet). Surprise me. Take out the adjectives and let the simple verse tell the fantastic story. Thanks for entering.
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This is a great write, thank you so much for entering and good luck!
~ToxicSuicide. -
yup! yup! This is the way to go. Keep it up until you are ultimately satisfied! Unless you are, then take a break.
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My only crit is to get rid of the question mark. I don't believe it is necessary. readers deduce it is a question you ask but perhaps a dash then 'incomplete' it gives the piece a more final feel. The poem itself is outstanding. Good luck C
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I really like this. Good luck.
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I don't think you have captured grief yet. Half a step in a direction and you are there. Don't ask me what direction. Shorten it a bit. I will comment again later.
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this is beautiful!
i love the first two stanzas the best.
'tiny eggshell tears'
'my fingers sift to sand'
i LOVE those images so much.
this is amazing.
<33 -
You already know what I think of this, sis, but once again, this is brilliant. It hurts.
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I think you expressed it perfectly!
"the calendar betrays me and my
fingers sift to sand as they try
to remember just what day it is and
that the sun still rotates in
irritatingly usual patterns that
only seem to
ink sorrows to my moon."
especially that part :] wanting, longing, it's there.
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