1.
my body erupts like cherry bombs when
his fingers glissando across my my lips
and I taste the danger.
I like it.
2.
I crawl to you with icicles touches and
edited emotions, and jump through
invisible hoops to show you that I want
you.
my skin crawls when you're around.
3.
i leave butterscoth bruises on his neck
so he'll never forget that eventually it
will be me and him forever moving in
a static motion.
i love him.
4.
i blacked out because you hit me and when
i wake up a crimson inked mess, i feel the
pressure of your weight against my resistance.
5.
triggers are pulled and metal morphine peirces
your once perfect skin, and liquid rubies pour
from the heart that i once had a diamond key
to; it's the only way i could open you up.
6.
his love is deeper and sweeter and i'll never
forget the feeling of crushing to him, but in
the end its either crush or be crushed.
Author notes
dani-elle
i think this is sucky...i tried my hardest i think my minds not been all there.
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: Round 1 by Never Fall in Love.
700 points, ended January 18, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I was his.
Comments
-
Do to the medium difficulty level of your prompt, Chandni and myself have given your score ONE (1) bonus point out of a possible two.
-
29/40
7/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
7/10 - poetic devices/technique
8/10 - imagery
7/10 - emotion
I thought you started really, really strong. Your imagery was so powerful and worked for expanding on, and moving the story along. I also liked the slow transition.
I feel in 4, 5 and 6 you lost some of your affect ... there was some grammatical errors like:
"i blacked out because you hit me and when
i wake up a crimson inked mess,"
i wake --> i woke
up a --> up into a
And I also feel that the imagery was as strong... there was good ideas for imagery, but the weren't produced as well as they could've been.
I feel once you fix those things up, the story will be solid and minor things that you could add, like line breaking and some of the format will be clearer.
Still though, you did well created the backbone of your story... well penned.
-
6/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
7/10 - poetic devices/technique
7/10 - imagery
7/10 - emotion
total: 27/40
You don't need the vignettes. The seperation of the stanzas is not there in the content - I'd rather see it as one full poem, because right now, it feels like you just slipped in a lot of numbers in between.
I think you need to focus more on imagery - you hae images that, to some extent, be really cliche and that makes me want to rush through the poem. Try focusing on that and you'll be much better.
Good luck.
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