i need to know why
my eyes have a halflife.
he once told me
they were just like moths
that buzz near the ceiling fan;
"they are so beautiful,
except when they get too close,
and then they just
fall back down."
i dont understand
anything, but especially
why my fate is to end up
swallowed in the carpet,
clinging to the dust and dark
and all the half-empty words
someone dropped like a drunk,
and stained everything the same
shade of marroon
that you miss in the morning.
i want to be,
and i don't know what yet,
but i want to get there
with the taste of a lover,
or any other kind of self-medication,
still in my mouth,
bonded to the taste buds
simply for the sting
of regret that follows.
and i think i could
be that sun setting in the corner
of the room, the one who smiles
at coffee-stains and open-ended
answers.
but i know i am
a different kid of question,
telling stories about a childhood
that only exists in fractions,
pretending to be someone
who doesn't break
martini glasses on granite countertops.
i am nothing
like the girl i say
i am,
whomever she may end up
being.
Author notes
late! i'm so sorry... plane was delayed, we rerouted for an extra seven hours of flight, our luggage got lost... miserable miserable miserable. luckily i packed the writing back as a carry on so it was with me.
there are still parts of this that i think are iffy after like a million edits, but it'll have to do .
"the enigma."
a weird weird version of it.
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: Round 1 by Never Fall in Love.
700 points, ended January 18, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
i believe the world, it spins for you...
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
33/40
7/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
8/10 - poetic devices/technique
9/10 - imagery
9/10 - emotion
I felt your imagery did a fantastic job at portraying the story and the emotions... and that the poetic device you did have was really affective.
Some of the wording and grammar in the second stanza read a bit awkward to me... I felt it would've flower better
HE once told me
they were just like moths
that buzz near the ceiling fan;
"they are so beautiful
EXCEPT FOR WHEN they get
too close,
and just
fall back down."
something like that would flow better, I feel. The capitals are wording I add in, and I tweaked the line breaking and removed "he said" and the "the" before moth and "then they" before just.
Besides that, I think my scores speak for themselves, and you really dug deep down for this piece... well done!
-
You werent the only one with lost luggage. I got mine back though - what about you?
----
9/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
7/10 - poetic devices/technique
8/10 - imagery
9/10 - emotion
total: 33/40
I felt this was amazing. I felt the emoton, saw the imagery and its a very good take on the prompt.
The only thing is that your punctuation is a bit lacking - which is not a problem if you handle it well. But I got lost in reading the poem because, for example, stanza 3 is one long long sentence and so I couldnt follow the structure.
Other than that, good job. -
I loved that ending
Strong emotional delivery and great imagery
Fantastic piece -
"i am nothing
like the girl i say
i am,
whomever she may end up
being."
You are one talented writer!
-
"and stained everything the same
shade of marroon
that you miss in the morning. "
This was definitely very intriguing and mystery. I love the different snippets of imagery and confused thoughts. Great job!
Best of luck to you in the contest!
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
