the hands of time feel
illogical,
pressing firmly on
the sweatface
of desperation;
perspiration-
draws curtain machinery,
the working-clocks of
human
to human
mass production
pulling down orbitals --
he smiles slyly
as sighs
sexsounds orchestrate
domination;
yet his fingers stray over trapdoor
closing orgasmic lids.
~~~
Author notes
prompt: rivalry of superior vs. inferior
I chose nature vs. humanity and how everything we do will bite our butts in the end.
I need help editing. bad. here is my original copy of the poem. I had time/nature as a she, but I thought it should be a little more masculine.
the hands of time feel
illogical,
pressing firmly on the sweatface
of desperation;
perspiration -
syncs out machinery,
the working-clocks of human
to human
mass production
pulling down orbitals --
she smiles slyly
as sighs
sexsounds attempt
domination
until vines act as
puppeteer.
I changed it a bit because I thought there were too many symbols/metaphors going on.
In a list
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: Round 1 by Never Fall in Love.
700 points, ended January 18, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
whatryalookinat?
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Do to the medium difficulty level of your prompt, Chandni and myself have given your score ONE (1) bonus point out of a possible two.
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8/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
10/10 - poetic devices/technique
7/10 - imagery
6/10 - emotion
total: 31/40
I felt that although this was very well written, it didn't catch me. I think it's the emotion, although apparent, doesn't flow out your words.
Other than that, good job -
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Thank you, Chandni.
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32/40
9/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
9/10 - poetic devices/technique
7/10 - imagery
7/10 - emotion
Hey Cassie, first of all, I really loved your opening stanza - it really drew me in and it was super-powerful. Secondly, I really liked your indepth, unexpected take on the prompt.
I think that you need to find a good balance of abstract and raw however... I think my scores even say the same thing - on the creative, device, abstract, depth side of things, you score really high... but then when it comes to more raw things like imagery, emotion, story, background, atmosphere, etc, your poem was lacking. I feel that if you used the right balance of poetic device and out-of-the-box thinking with rawer things like pure emotion and visuals... it will help the story, or the theme of the piece come through spot on.
Still, your device was amazing. The metaphor was brilliant, and overall this was a well penned piece. -
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Thanks, Ryan, I'm going to have to agree, my poetry usually is written while numb, so it feels a bit numb. Work me into a tizzy next time and see what you get.
hahaha
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A tizzy! I think that is my new favourite word 
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That was hot. lol
[I know I sound like Paris Hilton.]
Anyway, I thought it was awesome that you translated the prompt into something sexy, instead of the predictable jealousy direction this could have gone in.
"mass production" - love the diction here, and pun.
The title was great too.
Good luck in the competition.
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Thanks a lot, Tyler! I was really worried about this piece.
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"trapdoor"
Maybe 'that' in front of it?
I kept putting that word in before when I read it in my head.
"human to human"
I loved that, unequivocally.
;
Jessica
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Thank you!
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+
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Anything you can think of to edit this?
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Woo for Spanish class! :]
nice poem though -
I quite like this, I think 'sweatface' could be 'sweated face' sounds less awkward. Perhaps the stanza of 'she smiles slyly as sighs...leave out the 'as' and make it perhaps 'the sighs
as sexsounds, attempted. Love that final stanza though.
C
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Thank you for your comment! You're right, the 'as' does sound a little weird. I'll be fixing that.
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