A snowy dove limped,
lingering beneath the sky-
bird with broken wing
So I took it home
with me and fixed that weak wing-
then it flew away
It soars I don't care
where, I just know it's happy-
somewhere in the sky
Author notes
3 haiku (I use the term loosely). Hope you enjoy, please tear it apart constructively. I like the quote, so many people see love as some sort of contract and lose sight of the emotion. Anywho, hope you get some good ones
A contest entry
- My Most Favorite Quote by Cannonsfire.
7500 points, ended January 27, 2009, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Best and worst aspects.
Comments
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yeah, "weak wing" is pretty weak, but I'm trying to keep it in senryu form, it is kind of a crutch but it keeps me from getting too wordy. I'll probably edit it, just depends what the real world throws at me
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Love the thought of helping an animal, or even a person and they leave knowing someone cared and that they can live free. Nice thought and flow.
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It's a lovely assimily for the quote, perhaps a little too telling rather than showing. I think the essence of it is great and with a bit of metaphor it would be wonderful.
the first stanza sets it up well, it's the second and third that need more showing in them. like the weak wing part...you could say something like 'feathers needing loving glue'
well lol something to that effect. the last stanza should always leave a reader with a perfect image. Say like:
'now peace soars in white snow wings, i care not where,
the world sees the sky and feels the smile.
You have plenty of time to edit.
C
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