by Gregg Rowe
I loved you
as a young child -
kneeled in front of statues,
iconic gods of youth
of the crucified Christ
and the Virgin Mary
whispering my Hails
as I partook my Holy Communion
at a Catholic church in rural Alberta
you grew inside me
like enlightenment
I followed your/His good path
that was laid out for me
in the black leather Bible
with the stamped gold cross
these black imprinted symbols
who were friends later forged into foes
for forty years they forget me not
because faggots are not allowed to fornicate
so spirituality of my sexual id
disappeared while the devil appeared
where the brown Canadian bottled beer
beckoned and controlled my days
consuming my soul to the depths of an abyss
an ambiance atmosphere of arrogance and anger
swallowing my goodness into the dark fires of Dante
raped at twenty three and spit back into society
as a leper living with HIV
and the snake sings
at governments, pharmaceutical companies
and arrogant doctors playing
G-d in the midst
of a pandemic
I swallowed the sting of the liquid
daily, nightly
slowly committing suicide
as my liver turns yellow and shrinks
like a penis hitting cold water
and the fruit cocktails
daily taken are spewed up
as I hatingly kiss the white porcelain
He stands above me
illuminated in white
his point pen scratching
the blue lined medical form
I’m usually home when the doctor passes by
years living with HIV, heart problems
and Hepatitis C
he handed me a prescription
on a plain white wallet-size business card
“Your death is an arm’s length away.”
I meet you again
after leaving rehab
for the second time
last March 2008 around midnight
in a pane-sheet rain storm
the side swipe of a car passing me
my red Corsica sliding off the ramp
descending down into the abyss
metal smacking against a blackness
dazing me
the darkness changed to an illumination
enveloping my car and I saw the light
in the instance that my windshield
was painted with diamond droplets
of water from the lake I landed in
you allowed me to walk
or say, swim away
you and me
we have to talk
these tests, journeys, experiences
that were suppose to make me a man
has crippled my life these days
the snake that sings
now stings my temple with pain
like toothpicks being poked constantly
into my soft skin
you and me
need to come to an agreement
on how I see
you
G-d
as my spirituality
not a religious icon
because it has been awhile
since I ate the body
and drank the blood of man
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: Round 1 by Never Fall in Love.
700 points, ended January 18, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make this THE largest Contest EVER on AP [enter, enter, enter!] by Symphony.
18000 points, ended April 28, 1014 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
-
I'm a little worried of commenting on this now, as I read the comments posted below firstly, and saw the kind of commentary and critique that you were seeking -
I too, am another judge in my mid 20's, and I know that I di did not pick up on your alliteration, and the other techniques that you had hoped would be picked up on;
on another note, whilst I did enjoy the beginnings of this, just from my own personal taste, it did go on too long for my liking - you didn't lose your creativity or vivid imagery through it, it just simply didn't keep me interested, but this is not a critique, just a personal thing - so i sincerely hope that you don't take offence at this comment...
i apologise that i'm not learned enough to critique this as you would like.
thank you for entering
-
There simply are no words that can reach farther than these into parts of Life that almost disappear beyond telling. That you have probed to the ends of pain and found more yet to tell has shown strength that no evil can quell, and pulled us there with you, made me look at the numerical scores below with shock!
I have never seen anything so dehumanizing as to score suffering with numbers, as if to tell the value of a man's soul! There was no validity where no understanding, where no empathy lived! What were they thinking? Had they not travelled with every word, had they no idea even what this was ABOUT! It was the very last thing I would have expected to see. Automatons have more feeling that that!
Sorry if I tread on toes with that but it hurts me too!
Dear Gregg, bless the others who felt the truths in this work, and the immensity of the recovery you have made, and know you will continue the rest of your life to make. Long as I live, I will never cease to wonder at the extremes in the range of what we assume to be Humanity! Thank you for this!
It suggests we provide "ideas how...could improve."
When Truth writes itself it goes beyond manipulating.
Keep well!
Terry
-
-
Thank You for the Constructive Critique
Terry:
I really don't know what to say about this piece now (or how I feel about it now). I realize with the usage of poetic devices and imagery in poetry it should be universal, but in a few grey areas some techniques and imagery is attributed to specific groups/communities/social issues/etc and not easily recognizable as universal. It is my job as a writer to keep mentioning them in my poetry so that through repetition they become universal but not to the extent of making them a cliché.
Then there is the age difference of the poet and the judges. If you check the homepages of our judges you will discover that they are in their twenties and young adults finding their way in the world and the power of the pen whereas in a years time I will be a half-centurian. So experience plays a role in this also.
I am assuming (though I know better than that because "assum"ing makes an ass out of "u" and "me") that they have some sort of grade score that they use and I have come to a point in my life where I have to accept the things I cannot change. Judges have ruled on the basis of their criteria and I must accept that.
I do wish they would come back and really read the words and find out that there is such a thing in poetry as an "extended metaphor" where one judge stated "you have a strong line opening in your stanza but it falters through in its progression" (my interpretation of his critique) not realizing that I was using the stanza as an "exrteneded metaphor" (I think). I beleive that in this piece of writing that I have used many poetic devices that have been overlooked and have been commented on as "telling " instead of "showing".
My example because there was never anything concretely pointed out about where I faltered in the poem: would be the Canadian beer bottle stanza where I started with a domestic image of Canada, the Canadian beer bottle which has our emblem of a maple leaf on it, and using that image made it an extended metaphor of what it was like to fall into the depths of alcoholism.
I am also disappointed that they never commented on what I consider two great lines of alliteration in this poem and my use of emjambment in the writing:
The repition of the "f" sound and the repetition of the "a" sound"
who were friends later forged into foes
for forty years they forget me not
because faggots are not allowed to fornicate
and
consuming my soul to the depths of an abyss
an ambiance atmosphere of arrogance and anger
I too was amazed at the low score that I recieved and thought, well maybe it is not my best work and needs improvement somewhere. But I have always been a believer that a piece of art in any medium is never finished. You can always change a line, word, or paragraph/stanza in a piece of writing, you can always place another paintbrush stroke on a painting, and you can always doctor a photograph. The job is to take a break from this poem and come back to see where I faltered in bringing the judges in attributing the low score to the poem.
Thank you for your critique and support. I am stopping here in case I lose my dignity and write something I may regret
Gregg
-
-
so spirituality of my sexual id
disappeared while the devil appeared
where the brown Canadian bottled beer
beckoned and controlled my days
consuming my soul to the depths of an abyss
an ambiance atmosphere of arrogance and anger
This reminds me of the line in one of my favorite all time movies. . said by the Chief, in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. . .
"everytime he picks up the bottle, he don't suck from it, it sucks outta him."
Okay, so that's not the exact quote, but something to that magnitude.
I've been flirting with this title for about a week now. I have other reasons to have conflicts with my Higher Power, and I can tell you, the last time I went to mass, I had a panic attack, and I had to leave. I couldn't just sit there, with the congregation, echoing the Proclamation of Faith, because the tears I was holding back were choking me. I needed AIR and SPACE, and I wasn't going to find it in the sacristy.
I cannot help but send you my empathy, as I've known too many of my friends struggling with this painful conflict.
This write is brilliant, I love the use of RAW emotion you've displayed, and I'm REALLY glad I've finally clicked on this.
No matter where you end up in this conflict, know this. . . I wish you absolution, whether you get it from a catholic deity or not.
You have a lifetime membership (in the church), whether you believe it or not (so I've been told), and there are more people on your side of this fight than you'd realize.
With love,
Jin
-
WOW!
This is full of honesty and you have bared your soul with your trials and tribulations of life.
Many things we bring onto ourselves, other things are thrust upon us by daily life, from both good and evil.
God never leaves us, and will never forsake us, he does not "see" our sin, for we have been declared righteous, even thou we really aren't, because we believe in his son, Jesus.
My heart goes out to you, but remember, please, that HE is still right there with you,
This was AWESOME,
-
very poetic
I think communion is created by man, and alot of supposed christians do not worship the god of the heavens but one of there creation.Hang in there, whether or not you'll be with god is a very important decision.Very well written poem, both passionate and powerful.Im sure god doesnt want you to go it alone.and he only wants you to be as holy as he can help you be. -
Wow
Thank you for the insite
Brother your mind is always yours no matter what happens to the body
great poem man
it gave me goose bumps when I was reading -
This was a great and wonderful poem!!!!! keep up the great job!!!! keep on writting what you feel
-
Do to the medium difficulty level of your prompt, Chandni and myself have given your score ONE (1) bonus point out of a possible two.
-
I have so many things to say. First off I will start with the actual quality of poetry, this was possibly the most amazing write I have read that touched this subject (spirituality, god, sexuality). Frankly I am torn, this piece just speaks fathoms of pain. I thought perhaps the 25 out of 40 was a bit unfair as I found the imagery espcially vivid as well as the emotion. Then I guess I just have to add my personal opinion which is simply it is my belief that God loves us ALL no matter our mistakes and definitely does not forget us based on our sexuality. Bravo on this piece I am truly inspired by your bravery in the face of so much negative circumstance.
-
7/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
5/10 - poetic devices/technique
6/10 - imagery
7/10 - emotion
total: 25/40
I felt that this was perhaps too long of a story and so it got you to rush in some places. What I mean to say is that in each stanza, without fail, you have a strong line to begin and then in the rest of the stanzas, it becomes a string of loose images - a very piling feel.
While it is a very good technique, it wasn't used effectively. For example, you put effect into the last stanzas where putting more effect on the first ones would have been more effective and used imagery to your advantage. -
26/40
7/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
5/10 - poetic devices/technique
5/10 - imagery
9/10 - emotion
I really felt the emotion and the pain as I went along in the write... the character is this piece is in such a hard situation, that only few can imagine.
I felt the poem needed more imagery, especially when the piece revolves around a story, "showing" it instead of "telling" it can really help the piece, and the story inside the piece become really strong. Also, I feel some poetic device would help make the piece overall more affective.
I really enjoyed the theme here... and the determination showed... a very strong message that really grabs the reader... well done
-
This is beautiful. There's nothing else to say.
-
magnificent!
i read your poem. it was wonderful. this was.. i am so speechless. people come on this website and have these poems that are good or great or okay but this was excellent.i think maybe you should have this poem published. its very rare to read unbelievably wonderful poems like this. such passion is what many writers long for in their work. and to capture your audience attention and have them love it so is priceless. keep writing the way you do. never lose that inspiration you had when writing this poem. -
wow this is really something i can tell that you have put a lot of time and effort into this poem and you then proceeded to bare all.. it takes a brave person to do such a thing..
-
Bravo!!! such a moving write!! the strength that it would have taken to write this would have had me fainting or something.. You really brought so much emotion into this write. Brought tears to my eyes..
hope peace finds you.
Angel
-
Good luck on your contests.
-
How brave you are to face your fears and loathing, to understand you are only human, and therefore, like the rest of us, deeply flawed.. Those who hurt you will pay for your pain in their own way, be it self-given or karma.. I truly believe what goes around comes around, I've seen it too many times not to believe.. You write so harshly about life, but it's so honest because life IS harsh and, sometimes, brutal, as well as so beautiful as to make one weep with the pain of it.. If I were a guy and 30 years younger I'd fall in love with you myself.. lol Thank you so much for a truly thought-provoking work..
-
your ink pierced as nails through our souls and spirit,
it anguished the soul to read of this painful journey.
my heart aches and grieves..and I remember...the words
that a man who spoke with kind gentleness whose body
hung upon a cross....Father..Forgive them, they know
not...what they do....(not the words that I could
ever find the courage to say)
and my heart flames to understand, the meaning...
of his immortal words...
for who among
who you are the least,
will be the first unto the gates of heaven,
and thus seated at my right hand, next to me,
you will be placed in the seat of honor.
ears/Seattle
this took great courage to write!
well done! well done!
-
...
This is probably one of the best poems I have ever written. It was fantastic. my favorite part of the whole thing was the very ending-the last two paragraphs. It made me cry...I loved it. You did a wonderful job.
-
I am speechless.
This is incredibly powerful, and even though the situation is comparatively uncommon, many can relate to it, no matter what their religion, lifestyle, sexual orientation, or whatever. Wow.
-
I thought this was rather good. I have to say that, if I were in your position, I would happily place a bomb under any church and would more than happily kill any God-bothering bible-thumpers I encountered. I'm tempted to do those things anyway.
-
very intriging...creative. loved: he handed me a prescription
on a plain white wallet-size business card
“Your death is an arm’s length away.”
and
the darkness changed to an illumination
enveloping my car and I saw the light
in the instance that my windshield
was painted with diamond droplets
great write
-
This is a powerful poem, and I am amazed at the strength and forebearance shown by the poet here. The story told is heartbreaking, but somehow faith has been regained - faith in spirituality, as experienced, not in religion as taught. The poet has undergone trials beyond the capacity of most, and is still standing, questioning, braver than anyone could be expected to be.
-
Incredibly well written. The story flows, and you just very simply lay out a story that is heartbreaking. I believe in God, and I am sure that His intent was to never shut anyone out. We have done that with the words we say are His. I also believe God speaks to all of us - we just have to learn to listen. God made us all, and if he made you gay, and God doesn't make mistakes, then, there is only one conclusion.
-
Numb
What can one say when they see someones struggle so poeticly displayed... Do I say Bravo!! Well done? While I grieve over the humanity I see displayed on the page... This write is remarkable, the story in some ways a mirror... For I know what it is like to struggle with life and death and wonder where your G-d is, to struggle with rejection via a divine inspired word of G-d given to man...and I wondered. Was it really Gods word, or man's interpretation of what they thought God was saying? So many people persecuted in the name of God, and so many people rejected in the name of God. THAT Is NOT My God... it has taken me a lifetime of abuse, rejection, and self abuse to come to that conclusion. I am convinced we will all be suprised at the end of our days to discover what God really intended. A good read of late for me has been "The Shack". I am a novice poet and have yet to be able to capture my struggle and rift with God and articulate it as well as you have my friend. I can only hope someday I will.
-
this is so sad to read and it just tears at my heart. Yes it is a long road you travel yet seems to be cut off just at the by pass. I know for myself that in my darkest hours I have oftened wondered about God myself but often find peace when I realise I have no where left to go and I finally look up thanks for sharing your heart and soul here. Thanks for a moving read.
Lena
-
THIS IS PURE POETRY.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING
LOVE -
amazing
Fisrt of all wow, this is a masterpiece and I often find the best poetry or writing comes from the heart, something real and you show this here. I understand your religious conflics with the lord here because you have adored him from a child. It shouldnt matter what you are or what choices you make thats why you were given a fee mind and we live in a world of diverse choices, if there is a god he shoulld know unconditional love and also the imperfect world he put us in and this should not matter to him, take care and all the best kathrin xx
-
Powerfully Penned!
I can say one thing for sure, you are not alone when it comes to talks with the Lord, and I feel He's not even real at times, though I would never claim either way. But something tells me He is, because I spend alot of time mad at him for even making this s*it hole of a world. But nonetheless, if He's not there, I've done alot of BS-ing for nothing, like I'm going to change His ways or something. I wish you all the best in your Journey. I have my heart filled enough, with something that rhymes with better, but an I after the b. and add a ness to it. Well expressed.
Pen on poet.
Adding your comment:
1 - 30 of 30
