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Shooting star.

i.
I am ripped taffeta in hues of maroon;  I am silk-woven betrayals and cut out paper hearts bleeding of imperfection.
Spikes of emerald are beneath me; crushed and eroded beneath my compacted weight.
I glance up to see traces of light against soft hues of sapphire;
Trying to find one that stands out. My last hope of finding you again;

...my last chance at completion.

ii.

I prayed for you for three-hundred and sixty-six days;
sixty-one minutes out of every twenty-five  hours... eight days a week.
I have a collection of  4 leaf clovers; and 3 rabbits feet...
I stay away from black cats, mirrors and ladders...
I wished at 11:11, and I never missed a single shooting star.

...but still, I'm alone.

iii.

I live in the past, for I don't ever want to face what lies ahead.
For without you, I am nothing.
A day without you is a day without water, without air.
Suffocating has never had such an explanation.

Once, long ago, I remember staring into your emerald eyes, perfectly matching the soft grass we were sitting on.
I heard melodious violins, playing to the rhythm of your heartbeat.
I told you I wanted you forever, you and only you.
You pause for a moment and think on this.
Your lips form a vowel, then quickly change shape.

"I don't think so." you whisper, though it's more piercing than any scream.

I try to re-gather my senses, but fail.
"Wh-hy not?" I stutter.

-
"Because I want you so much longer."

iv.
Then one day, you leave.
You tell me it's because this is too much for you, and forever is just now proving to be too long.

How long is forever, anyways?

--

not long enough.

---

I stare at the heavens, and beg for one more chance.
Sapphire fills my senses; the stars seem nearly reachable.
So close, yet so far away. Just like you.
Tear-stained cheeks will tell a story;
A story of how every night, I'd ask, pray and beg to something so vast, only for your return.

For without you,

....I am nothing.

Author notes

1) Have you ever been in love with or liked someone who is taken?
Does not being loved back count? Taken with themselves, in a sense?

AP name: angeladowns

For contest 1: Prompt: Wishing on a shooting star.

For contest two: 'Color me Shutter-Tone Deaf'

A contest entry

What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 49 of 49

  • DelaneyDisaster
    March 1

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, ii was probably my favorite out of the whole thing. LOVED IT. Loveee it, love it! Very good. Good luck.


  • Xxnightmare21xx
    February 22

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    Thank you for entering my contest. You had me drawn in from the very begining. I like how you took us through the thoughts and what that person wanted. I always like these kind of poems.

    Your Judge

    Kaycee


  • love tank x
    February 4

    Edit | Reply
    "i.
    I am ripped taffeta in hues of maroon; I am silk-woven betrayals and cut out paper hearts bleeding of imperfection.
    Spikes of emerald are beneath me; crushed and eroded beneath my compacted weight.
    I glance up to see traces of light against soft hues of sapphire;
    Trying to find one that stands out. My last hope of finding you again;

    ...my last chance at completion."


    this piece drew me in from the very beginning. it drips with imagery and color. brilliant, i must say. well done


  • jayyniecakes.
    February 4
    Edit | Reply
    59 lines and my contest is for 10-50 lines.... sorry.

    ;[


  • Candy Morphine
    February 2
    Edit | Reply
    (ii) this is so sad.

    Your lips form a vowel, then quickly change shape.
    -i love the imagery this exudes.

    the stars seem nearly reachable
    -again, this is so beautiful.

    you deserved that gold in all it's means. I apologize for not commenting more on this poem (i'm still frustrated about my last comment 'disappearing'...)
    but don't get me wrong, this is still unbelievable. Sorry if i'm recreating a broken record scenaro for you but your poems are just so, so, so well unbelievable. You are my favourite writer on this site as of tonight. i fould not one flaw in your unique sense of writing. It was in every sense, untarnished.

    Sorry again if i sound like i'm just repeating the same thing over and over again, but they are worth so much more.


    • heavenbird
      February 2
      Edit | Reply
      OH my gosh I have nothing other to say other than you're way too sweet and you make me happy. :]
      Are you kidding? Your favorite? Hahah that's the best compliment I could ever be given. <3333

      YOU ARE SO NICE.


      • Candy Morphine
        February 2
        Edit | Reply
        But it's nice to see someone so talented be so modest.


      • Candy Morphine
        February 2
        Edit | Reply
        *Blushes*. You sound like you've never heard the truth before...

        • heavenbird
          February 2
          Edit | Reply
          It's nice to see someone who actually thinks I'm good.
          xP

          I feel totally bottom of the barrel ish 99.9 percent of the time, like everyone seems to be wayyy better than me.

          So it's so nice to hear I have a fan. ;D

          Have you ever read Aanika or mesmerized-x's work?
          They're incredible.
          Read anything of theirs and I guarentee you'll change your opinion of my work very very quickly.
          Hahahhaa.

          • Candy Morphine
            February 2
            Edit | Reply
            Oh my gosh; aanika's work is fucking fantastic. like absolutly amazing. I get to the comment box and i have no words left. Mesmerized is defianatly great, but too me, it doesnt leave me speechless like your or aanikas. But she is awesome.

            • heavenbird
              February 2
              Edit | Reply
              I know, I aspire to be like them.
              I feel soooo far away from their amount of talent.
              xP

              I think they're both amaaazing.
              They touch me in different ways, and I love that.
              They're best friends in real life, did you know that?

              It's pretty rad.

            • heavenbird
              February 2
              Edit | Reply
              I know, I aspire to be like them.
              I feel soooo far away from their amount of talent.
              xP

              I think they're both amaaazing.
              They touch me in different ways, and I love that.
              They're best friends in real life, did you know that?

              It's pretty rad.

              • Candy Morphine
                February 2
                Edit | Reply
                Oh wow, no i didn't know that at all. You guys must be a very talented group of friends. im very jealous. Yeah my best friend has an acount and writes regulary, and she has a really different style to me, but she is just regions above me. i can't even explain how much i'd love to be able to write what she does.

                • heavenbird
                  February 2
                  Edit | Reply
                  Hahah, no just those two are.
                  I live about 1000 miles away from them.

                  I just watch from afar. xD

                  ugh I wish I could write half as well as they do.
                  I think they're everyone's favorites.
                  xP


                  What's your best friends username? I'll have to seee this.
                  [I doubt it.]
                  [really doubt it.]
                  you're extremely good.

                  • Candy Morphine
                    February 2
                    Edit | Reply
                    haha as if. I'm OKAY at writing, but only okay. I'm no where near as astounding as you guys. It's like i'm a flower just striving to be a beautiful wise tree like you.

                    her profile is:
                    http://allpoetry.com/LaCkOfCoLoUr

                    • heavenbird
                      February 2
                      Edit | Reply
                      Hahah that's exactly how I feel.
                      but it's not true about you, silly.

                      I think no matter how high on the 'totem pole' you are, you always feel lower than everyone else.
                      Until you know you're the best.
                      Then you're just cocky.

                      • Candy Morphine
                        February 2

                        Edit | Reply
                        Haha, so true, so true. I wish there was a happy medium that you could just drift across. Just wanted to say too, it's the nice people like you that make this site what it is.

                        • heavenbird
                          February 2
                          Edit | Reply
                          Yep, I know.
                          I hate feeling so intimidated by good writers and so like, worst-ish.
                          I start freaking when someone like the AP Gods start reading my work.


                          Same to you. :]
                          You made my dayyyy.

                        • heavenbird
                          February 2
                          Edit | Reply
                          Yep, I know.
                          I hate feeling so intimidated by good writers and so like, worst-ish.
                          I start freaking when someone like the AP God's start reading my work.


                          Same to you. :]
                          You made my dayyyy.


  • reckless abandon
    January 31
    Edit | Reply
    "and I never missed a single shooting star."
    I love this part, thanks for sharing


  • aanika
    January 31

    Edit | Reply
    yes

    I personally don't like the use of the ellipsis (...) in poetry.
    it stunts the flow in my opinion.

    this is like prosetry or something, which kind of bothers me.
    I think by adding more efficient line breaks, the flow would benefit greatly.

    having said that, your imagery is wonderful, as well as the emotion behind it.

    thanks for entering


    • heavenbird
      January 31
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much!

      Any suggestions as to where to place the line breaks? D:


  • lowercase prelude gold member
    January 28

    Edit | Reply
    Love takes us on all kinds of journeys
    Some of them we can not win, they are just there to help us learn a lesson

    Excellent piece


  • lyricist
    January 27

    Edit | Reply
    your description of love and pain is wonderfully written. rreading your poems is so visual and breathtaking. got to add you as a favorite


  • stasis
    January 25

    Edit | Reply

    yes

    I just adored this in general. There was such a gravity to it that it was like I was being dragged to the end of the piece.

    Please wait for the other judge's comment.

    ♣ Tegan


  • couldbeworse
    January 22

    Edit | Reply
    loved stanza ii. th eway you went beyond the possible to keep this person. and the ending was sad but great. loved this piece of work.


  • ciara12
    January 22

    Edit | Reply
    i love the last 2 stanzas they are well thought out and i think t hat if you keep it up you'll have amazing pieces! to come


  • etoile
    January 21

    Edit | Reply
    oh wow.
    i love stanza ii.
    i like that whole idea, like you're doing more.. i dunno how to explain lol
    but i love it.

    stanza iii. is another of my favs.. i actually was holding my breath until the last line, when it seemed almost okay.

    this was sad, i love the ending
    soooo beautiful.
    i love your imagery.. i think i've said that before.
    anywho goodluck in all the contests and congrats on the gold!!
    ♥


    • heavenbird
      January 21
      Edit | Reply
      aw, thank you!
      i'm doing more...what?
      xDDD
      i'm not positive on what you mean.

      thanks so much!! <3

      • etoile
        January 21
        Edit | Reply
        i cant explain..
        like the whole 366 days, 61 minutes, 25 hour thing
        like more than normal/expected.
        i dunno i fail at explaining.
        but i like it aha


        • heavenbird
          January 21
          Edit | Reply
          ohhh okay.
          i was just writing whatever popped into my head.
          hahah.
          thank you!!


  • fake-or-real-smile
    January 18

    Edit | Reply
    Please put the option you chose and your AP name in A/N, message me when it is done with the name of your poem and I'll come back n comment properly.


  • new born
    January 16

    Edit | Reply
    Again this is beautiful. I'm noticing a lot of similarity from poem to poem, for one thing, you work with incredible images, but seem to stick to to colour sapphire. You also have the same basic theme in all the poems of your that I've read, and always use the same form. I'd like to see you experiment, step out of your niche. However, this is still an incredible poem, and defintely deserved the shiny I see in the contest list.


  • moonlitanime
    January 12
    Edit | Reply
    i lo9ve the style in which you have written this poe. Very different and inresting


  • Poetryintheblood gold member
    January 12

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for your heartfelt entry, good luck in my contest, Josie


  • chilali
    January 11

    Edit | Reply
    WOW! I love this! This was amazing. The imagery, the flow, the emotions, the word choice. Great work love and good luck in both the contests. This should do very, very well


  • wakawaka05
    January 10

    Edit | Reply
    Wow this is such a great write. I love the flow and the feel of it. The emotion and imagery in it is just fantastic. Best of luck in the contest.
    Caity
    >Wakawaka<


  • Missa
    January 10
    Edit | Reply
    omg this is great! good luck!


  • Manda Kathryn Greeters member
    January 9

    Edit | Reply
    ~

    I absolutely lovelovelove this! Damn you have a talent I could only covet from afar even now

    I love the prose style feel of it, the beginning stanza that opens up to a world of colours and imagery that locks the reader in and dares them to look away -- I was so mesmerized; I nearly stopped liking this for a brief moment when the almost cliche of I want you forever, I want you longer then he leaves however when combined with the rest of the poem it flows and works so perfectly I found myself loving this

    Powerful beginning, perfect middle and excellent ending

    A masterpiece

    Best of Luck in the Contest hun
    ♥
    Stay safe
    ~Manda

    • heavenbird
      January 9
      Edit | Reply
      Aw, thanks so much Manda!!
      It means a ton!

      I'd love to hear your opinion on some of my other newer stuff.
      =]

      Thanks so much, it's great to hear that. <3


  • Missa
    January 9
    Edit | Reply
    it's fine that its a few lines too long because you skipped lines between

  • Missa
    January 9

    Edit | Reply
    Nothing to far out there, ok! How about:

    TITLE: Wish Upon A Shooting Star

    If that doesn't work, tell me and I can give you a different one. Good luck!


    • heavenbird
      January 9
      Edit | Reply
      Okay, thanks!
      What do you think of it? =]

      • Missa
        January 9
        Edit | Reply
        well, i havent really read it yet because i have to write an essay for english. but i will read it tomorrow for sure.

1 - 49 of 49