I lay in ruin; Pain claims my being;
Eternity mocks me, cruel and demeaning.
Battered promises reek of contempt;
Deception misguided my failed attempt.
Shameless tastes of hell's open gate;
Screaming for mercy, this is my fate.
Treachery unknown; Torment awaits me,
all because you failed to save me.
Numbing constellations, etched on my being;
The "peace" of death is oh-so deceiving.
I grasp the cold metal trigger and count to eleven;
ten isn't enough time when hell's disguised as heaven.
Flooding tears do more than cloud my vision;
Taking an innocent life is hell's latest mission.
My finger so much as twitched, and my life is forever lost;
so for those still bearing choice;
... I hope you see the cost.
Author notes
Prompt: Suicide.
A contest entry
- anything and everything, just entertain me by Luciferschild.
800 points, ended January 27, 124 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Suicide! Suicide! Suicide! by BleedingDeep.
600 points, ended February 11, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Emotional Wreck by ToxicSuicide.
750 points, ended January 11, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Favorite Rhyme by piccola.
900 points, ended March 9, 68 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Numbing constellations, etched on my being; beautiful line and then the ending ... so sad, but maybe a lesson that can be learned. As for all that is technical
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I lay in ruin; Pain claims my being;
Eternity mocks me, cruel and demeaning.
Battered promises reek of contempt;
Deception misguided my failed attempt.
Shameless tastes of hell's open gate;
Screaming for mercy, this is my fate.
I love the begining of the poem. I usually don't like rhyming but you know how to do it very well. I like your descriptions on the feelings of failure and loss. However, the contest is about addiction not suicide (I know addictions can turn into suicide.) Good job and good luck in the contest. -
"I grasp the cold metal trigger and count to eleven;
ten isn't enough time when hell's disguised as heaven"
I really liked this part, and it's a great write throughout! The flow of it's interesting as well. Thank you for entering!
-Lena -
OHHH i got shivers... I really like this!!
""so for those still bearing choice;
... I hope you see the cost.""
That is so powerful. This is well written.. Question you don't have to answer this but were these feelings you have flet.. I was kinda getting that idea.. but i might have been wrong!! great penning tho keep it up!
~*Cristy*~ -
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Nope, I've never been suicidal.
xD
Thanks though!
Most of my work I write has nothing to do with my life or who I am.
I have poems on here about child abuse, third world poverty, wife abuse, etc;
and I've never been through any of that. Hahaha.
Thanks so much though! -
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Thats good tho... I write from emotion.. I believe that the only poems of mine that are worth read and thoes.. I can write..they usualy end up like 5th grader wrote them..lol totaly makes me blush but what can yah do!!
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Hahahaa that's okay though! Whatever works for you.
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OH WOW. I fervently apologize for my generalizations about your work. This is not a breakup or love poem of any sort and it is still spectacular. The emotion was so frightened and powerful, the imagery was decidedly scary and the rhyming was the farthest thing from forced I can imagine. Fantastic.
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Haha, I just didn't want you to think ALL of my work is the same, ha. =]
Thanks so much!
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There are some great snippits in here that honestly grab your attention and has you reading faster to know the end. I loved it, thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
~ToxicSuicide. -
I love the word choice. You exspand your horizon and made it Worth my time to read. Thanks for the entry.
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weird, but good, the last few lines were perhaps the best because the beginning lagged a little, besides that i liked the fresh approach to a topic done so many times before, thank you for entering my contest, ill take another look at this one a bit later
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Speechless
I absolutely love this, honestly I do. The flow is brilliant and the rhymes are not forced in the least.
Truly AMAZING job, here.
I know this phrase is uttered so often on this website that it has lost its value, but best of luck in the contest. You deserve it.
[=
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Thanks so much!
This is probably the first poem I've wrote that took me more than 10 minutes.
xD
Maybe that's why it got such a wonderful response. =]
Thanks so much!
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