Down down
deep and dark,
the river, through
the jungle to the grass,
the high-bent sorghums,
faun and gold -
here the pride lounges and preens,
the elkherd wades
with stilted birds
as the wetlands spread.
Now the great gray beasts
bathe and frolick,
mothers and calves,
muscular bulls -
tusks, grand and gleeming
in the hot sun.
The heart of man lives here
and everywhere untrammelled.
A contest entry
- Roy G Biv by Melissa Gayle.
650 points, ended January 20, 2009, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I thought that a pride referred to lions? This isn't your best, but pretty decent none the less. I just think it could have been more concrete.
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The first stanza sets the scene - the pride of lions, the elkherd, the flock of stilted birds, and the river spreading out over the wetlands.
In the second stanza, I narrow the focus to our main characters - the great grey beasts. Perhaps I need to find a way to make that more clear.
Thanks for the critique.
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This is not at all the usual Scott I am used to -
I really don't know what to say. I adore the use of nature here, but the last two lines are incredible when relating it to nature.
There is something very subtle about this piece -
Somehow I expected something totally different from you, but I so totally adore this and how you made me see what your words describe...
I see the teacher coming out in you with this poem
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Rather...
...short Randy!
Tee hee!
Robin. -
will be back for this one
use the clap for inspiration
peace Muddy
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