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Engulfed

Your eyes now a maelstrom of blue and green,
engulf me in one glare, like the ocean current
rips away an innocent child from a loved one.
You've torn apart the one thing,
that mattered most.
I look at you and see nothing but
hypocritical words that linger like dust,
on the top shelf of my mind.
A constant reminder of the
trivial toy that keeps beating in my chest.
Constantly cracked by jagged words,
it's a wonder it's still running.
We're nothing but a
constant train wreck nowadays.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5
  • Just4u
    January 10

    Edit | Reply
    I would only consider changing the last two lines from a train to a ship
    to tie start to finish, maybe something in the lines of

    Crashed on the rocks, will be find help
    before the tides sweep this last chance...away

    Hugs...Eddy


  • Danna Hobart
    January 9

    Edit | Reply
    Well, this started out strong. The image of a child ripped away by an ocean current is very fresh. But then instead of following through with the ocean, you start mixing your metaphors. You say words linger like dust, you liken your heart to a toy, and you end with a train wreck. Well, the poem is a train wreck, you have metaphors scattered all over the place Seriously though, your one strong image loses its power when you dilute it with all these non related images. If you stick with the ocean, or at least with water, I think your poem would be much stronger.


    • Ephemerality
      January 13
      Edit | Reply
      I suppose I was trying to write with mixed emotions as the way someone feels when someone they love just seems to be taking joy out of their life. Now, I've read over it more and you're right. I may have three or four starts to other poems though [haha] which isn't a bad thing when you think of it. I'm definetly going to try and connect everything better, thanks.


  • Luciferschild
    January 8
    Edit | Reply
    on so many levels i can relate to this, it describes perfectly my ongoing relationship with a high school girlfreind i have had for the past 5 years, the poem perfectly describes her attitude and my feelings toward her, this poem might even bring a bit of insight too but a couple more readings will have to be done before i can say anything like that, great poem

  • piccola silver member
    January 8

    Edit | Reply
    I really like the thoughts expressed here. Do you ever write rhyme? Anyway, the only thing I could suggest is that you place your line-breaks differently ... but that's just the way we all speak probably. Anyway, here is my suggestion and you can read it aloud then tell me to piss off LOL

    Your eyes now a maelstrom of blue and green
    engulfing me in one glare,
    like the ocean current
    rips away an innocent child from a loved one.

    You've torn apart the one thing,
    that mattered most.

    I look at you and see nothing but
    hypocritical words that linger like dust,
    on the top shelf of my mind.

    A constant reminder
    of the trivial toy
    broken within my chest.
    Constantly cracked by jagged words,

    it's a wonder that it beats.

    We're nothing
    but a
    constant train wreck

    nowadays.

    anyway, just some thoughts. I guess if It was mine I would do it this way and title it "Nowadays"





1 - 5 of 5