it’s something that you
were born with,
a bursting star
inside your soul
it moved you
across the universe
past
every dark night.
it transformed your mind
into a mechanical storm.
i knew you to be this way
since the first moment
we found each other
in another world.
but that ambition
the complexity of your desire
the light from inside your soul
blinded you.
and now you can't see me
running.
Author notes
my choice was ambition.
critque this! i found this very difficult to write!
peace to all ~flight
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: Round 1 by Never Fall in Love.
700 points, ended January 18, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
honesty
Comments
-
28/40
6/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
6/10 - poetic devices/technique
9/10 - imagery
7/10 - emotion
I thought your imagery was fantastic for telling the story, especially in the opening stanza which just drew me in like nothing else... it was really beautiful.
After that, I felt like the second and last stanza lost a little bit of the affect. I didn't see as much as the imagery and creativity as I could have. I think if that came through, it would've made the emotion and the story stronger for the reader.
Besides that, well done.
I loved the prompt you chose.
-
5/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
7/10 - poetic devices/technique
9/10 - imagery
6/10 - emotion
total: 27/40
I don't know why, but the major problem i felt with this was that the emotion just wasn't there. For a prompt like ambition, I expected an outburst of emotion and a sense of determination but i didn't get that.
You also lost points on creativity because the images were good - but not exceptional or eye-catching. I'm sorry, the poem didn't catch me.
I do very much enjoy the ending as it has some implications against the prompt and the simplicity of it worked to your advantage.
good luck -
this was absolutely magnetic.
i love your word choice.
Adding your comment:
