You shouldn't take peanuts straight from the bowl most of the time that glacier over there spat them

...

So we hid inside this basement I found in the house about seven hours ago,
It was dark so I took the bat upstairs,
Chainsaw man is safe I swear,
And we decided to play a game and this boy with yellow hair wanted to play with the gunpowder,
We all went around the room and took it in turns to say boom,
Boom,
Boom,
Boom,
Boom,
I thought it would be interesting to say "arbitrary" instead,
They then threw me out the basement,
My bat was still in there but I didn't care because I still had the aslavey,
My best friend decided he would write contrary on the wall,
I mirrored his movements.

When mother found the wall she spanked aslavey,
You shouldn't spank a child that isn't your own so I went to the kitchen sink and found a pan and screamed very loudly,
When I woke up mother was in the corner covering her face,
I think the cat died or something,
Since we never had one I can understand why she'd be upset.

When I was in school the next day teacher told me I had to go to the board and explain why this letter represented a designated number,
Aslavey said lots of funny words,
Poo poo and bottom make me laugh,
When I laughed the teacher told me to shut up,
Then everyone laughed at me,
So I wrote a paradox sign on the board and said that the answer was in the dead centre,
She became a stuck record and kept saying shut up,
Aslavey thought she was having a seizure,
I got a chair and broke the molten sand protecting the room,
Everyone started listening to me and their mouths turned into sirens,
They started running in circles so I joined in,
I pretended I was a tribal man and pounced on them and tickle attacked them,
One girl bit me,
It hurt.

I walked home through the alley ways with aslavey,
He likes to sniff the walls and lick the cats,
And we talk to this guy,
um...this guy and he is so so so funny,
and he does lots and lots of funny things,
and he gives me kisses,
He has a very big magic hose too.
Aslavey doesn't like the magic hose,
He says he should use a sprinkler instead so he can dance around with it,
I like the hose.

When we walked out we bumped into this girl in my school
She had two lumps on her chest,
I thought they might have been tumors,
So I stared at them very carefully,
And a part of me wished that her cancer would grow quicker,
Aslavey says that petite filous yoghurts make you grow stronger.
So I threw yoghurts at her,
Her hair needed a good scrub.

When I came back to the house I realised mother had the same cancer,
But hers were bigger and baggier,
She may have been too late,
I told her that we needed to see the doctor or I'd be hypnotised by the cancer and die,
She said it was completely normal and that they're used to make milk,
Aslavey went moo and pulled on mother's udders,
Nothing happened but she screamed and punched me in the face,
Her cat grievance face looked like salami,
So we ate her skin for supper but Aslavey couldn't find the ketchup so we gave up.

Mother told us that it was known as puberty when the body changes form,
Like when Pikachu turns into Raichu apparently,
Aslavey doesn't like pokemon so he gave me a hickey,
She said that I can produce milk too,
It'll be all white and sticky and stuff and will come out of the hose,
Aslavey now has a sprinkler so it's fine Aslavey is happy.

I went to school next day and saw this girl with a really big cancer on her chest,
Her hair didn't have any yoghurt,
I don't think it needed any,
And her rear end must have been broken because it kept trying to wiggle off her body whenever she walked.
I ran over to the rear end to try and fix it and she slapped me in the face,
Aslavey then stuck her tongue into her mouth,
I think she was looking for buried treasure,
She must have found it because in the end all this stuff came out that smelt like red marker.
Red markers are good for writing big words.

A few months later Aslavey started to change,
When she was in the bathroom she started bleeding her pants,
I told mother and she wouldn't answer so Aslavey put her in the basement to play the gunpowder game again,
Oddly enough Aslavey's voice was almost as deep as mother's,
I think they have the same throat condition,
Aslavey should go on a diet for her hips because they look all swollen and she looks like a hypnotic snake when she moves them around,
Like Kahn off of Jungle Book,
He was cool.
And alas her buttocks also started to fall off,
Whenever I tried to help it back together she giggled and played with her sprinkler.

One day my voice was lower,
It broke,
I cried for my mother and she said it was normal,
So I punched her in the face,
Twas nice,
Aslavey laughed,
Pleasing her was nicey,
Mother said this was a needed change for me to attract females,
That means I could get a girlfriend.

I tried to get one in one of the classes but the projector started showing my thoughts so I stormed out of class before they could show them.

I found a girl putting her tongue down this boy's mouth,
So I started barking in my low voice and dancing to attract her,
I showed her the hair on my rear end,
She screamed in joy,
So I pounced on top of her and my hose started to grow,
I must have been becoming super human,
So I tried to hide it in the sprinkler,
It wanted to stay there but it wouldn't stay forever,
So I tried to keep it in over and over and over again,
Then I produced milk.
I must have been grown up.
YAY!!!

I then realised if Jesus was a man,
I must be Jesus also.

Aslavey liked it when I put my hose in her sprinkler,
But it wasn't the same,
When I woke up she was playing by the window and I was grabbing my hose,
She wasn't a real girl,
But she got sad with that and tried to shout bottom to cheer me up.
I just thought of the wiggley bottoms.
So she told me I had to kill all the girls.
So I did.
It was fun pleasing her.
But the FBI are now monitoring my thoughts so...
I'm kind of screwed.
And that's why I'm asking you for help.