The broken shoreline traced your footprints in the sand
And never had the ocean seemed so sad
Till today.
For it seemed that the white water washed and kissed your ankles
Soaked the ends of your dress in turquoise melancholy
Before retreating.
but still you pirouette; halo's from the sun's rays
dressing your smile.
Tighter you held me, as we tiptoed past reef and wistful coral
The intense rush of blood and water from
Loving you. Everywhere.
So I went swimming with your soft skin? Kissed the virgin waves ~
Your lips, bitter with salt, cold with calamity
All, just, us.
But it got too deep
Too deep to go further
Too deep to go back
Too deep to keep track of you
And it was really too deep to hold on
Too deep to keep control
It was just
too
deep...
I was battered back to the shore
spluttering and coughing the last pieces of me and you
As I became
lower than the tides
and still, you pirouette.
Author notes
I guess I turned a memory from the beach into a timeline of our typical relationship. What can I say? That I'm cold? That my heart has frozen over? Well babe, that's what happens when you go swimming.
Just another one of my typical love sick poems, in a typical manner.
My topic was: loss of a loved one #36
Photo: http://maceo-x-.deviantart.com/art/A-walk-on-the-beach-9915203
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: Round 1 by Never Fall in Love.
700 points, ended January 18, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Brrrrrrr.
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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wonderful imagery
and your emotions were penned well also
a wonderful piece -
9/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
7/10 - poetic devices/technique
10/10 - imagery
9/10 - emotion
total: 35/40
I loved how this progressed. To be absolutely honest with you, i didn't like the beginning - it didnt catch my attention enough to continue reading - especially with the repetition of "seemed" so close by.
After that, you caught me completely - there weren't many things i was annoyed with.
One thing though, is that I noticed in the middle there was a question mark that didn't really seem to fit - a questioning tone didn't fit there at all.
And like ryan, I felt that there was something missing in the too deep repetition.
Overall, though, a really good job. -
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Oh that question mark... I guess its meant to be slightly sarcastic
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PS: if we were scoring titles, yours would've gotten a very high mark
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Goodie..So someone got the title...
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34/40
8/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
8/10 - poetic devices/technique
9/10 - imagery
9/10 - emotion
First off, your tone was insanely captivating in this piece. Just the way you worded everything, the way you brought forward your images was captivating, it kept me reading...
Secondly, I loved how you took an image, an idea, that many have made cliche before, and you ran with it... you put your own spin on in, and you were, in fact able to make it wonderfully creative.
I thought you could've been stronger with "too deep" part. That you could have gone more indepth, used the idea as a metaphor, or a simile, or just explain how it took her away from her. The part where you came out of the water and said you were coughing parts of her and you was great, but I think if you used the deep part to describe how she was taken away from you, it would've made the story stronger.
I loved your reference in the ending to the rest of the poem. Well penned.
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Wow.
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Oh, wow this is just amazing. There is nothing I can possibly say to possibly capture my thoughts on here, but I will assure you, I'll try.
The poem overall carried qualities I don't normally read or care to, but with your voice it's captivating. There is nothing I can say. Brilliant.
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This is beautiful
yet so sad :-( Your writing style is so versatile. I really admire that about you! The imagery in this peice is breath taking.
Please. Keep up the great work!
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This was gorgeous. I love all the little snatches of detail and emotion and the way you blended them together.
It was also rather charming the way this didn't have a certain form. It just flowed on and was beautifully intense - like ocean waves.
Fantastic poem.
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stunning.
heart-wrenchingly beautiful.
i can taste the salt...and feel the cold...
"wistful coral"
"turquoise melancholy"
i can't even start on my favourite parts...it would take far too long and im tired. XD
condensed review:
i FELT every single word.
brafreakingvo.
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