She should have been
delivered by Columbus,
Santa Maria
sailed into a new world,
her first breaths
an Indian summer.
She would have followed the sun
until it runs into the moon
the sky becomes a black opal
that plays tag with the equinox.
She would have balanced
the scales of Libra
when her umbilical cord was cut.
Long before pumpkins could grow fat
and round in the fields,
the trees began
to drown in brown and scorched orange
and night became a black cat
stretched out across her mother’s path.
A contest entry
- a year in the life by Cat.
6000 points, ended February 14, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Very nice poem........
A great poem good luck.......
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hummm you have me very curious as to who exactly is she? It was an interesting read that just left me wanting more. Thanks for sharing this with us.
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She was a baby I lost.
Thank you for reading.
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the images here kind of run into each other somehow, very effective, and apparently you can never get a trophy from this. Not a contest lol
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love this.
thanks for entering
m
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She should have been
delivered by Columbus,
Santa Maria
sailed into a new world,
her first breaths
an Indian summer.
((I am not going to get into details with the technical stuff here because i dont find much of anything that made me go into tweak mode- that being said I want to go where my emotions took me...
this first stanza had words chosen carefully- it felt to me the choice of columbus - the first- the discoverer- the adventurer (we wont mention him from his years of early 50's- the trickster lol) - and sets the poem to me for october.... Santa Maria- what a ship what a ship.. immaculate conception of ships lol...I love the use of first breaths in regards to sailing.. in regards to a new born child- the use of 'should have' in the first line has me wondering- two things- a. is this a set up of a story where a child died or 2. is this someone who is alive... who we speak of like this - how they should have been born like such and such due to their personality now- and i need to read on obviously
))
She would have followed the sun
until it runs into the moon
the sky becomes a black opal
that plays tag with the equinox.
(((i am thinking that i am going to stay with the child who could have been- its where i am-.. the use of black opal- the birth stone of october- to me this stanza is so dark... because i am stuck in the opal- lol- superstitions...subjects of the tzar, the opal embodied the evil eye- with that thought in my head i stay on the dark side of the moon and watch behind a rock as tag is played between vernal and autumnal lol --- i liked this section so much because i was able to go off- someplace different even if not what you had in mind... how the inocent blind one gets stuck in an unfair game... dunno... just where i went)))
She would have balanced
the scales of Libra
when her umbilical cord was cut.
((( the impact of 'scals of Libra'.... a play on words there a little that I liked - the most desirable of zodiacal types because it represents the zenith of the year, the high point of the seasons, when the harvest of all the hard work of the spring is reaped.
by choosing this now i am brought to more harmony and peace but still the use of would have- leaves me wondering of justice and what is fair and unfair in love and life)))
Long before pumpkins could grow fat
and round in the fields,
before the trees began
to drown in brown and scorched orange
nights became a black cat
stretched out across her mother’s path.
((('to drown in brown and scorched orange' -- the choice of drown... its beautiful yet it makes me sad. Then with black cat and mothers path--- i think my conclusion is definately unjustice and loss of wishing what she could have become and every fall season is that reminder--- i dont know, i could be totally and completely off base in my own little world... I would love some feedback from you though as to if i was in charlies wonka factory with my thoughts. I liked this because it was what was under it that i had to really think about and take it within myself that made me think--and now i am rambling.... thank you so much for this beautiful entry )))
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Thank you for your insightful commentary on the poem.
It is about a baby I lost back in 1992. She was due in mid-October, but the pregnancy ended in miscarriage in mid-March. I don't even know for sure if the baby was a girl or not, but in my heart, I think she was a girl. -
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so sorry for your loss back then
i am glad i was in the ball park on my thoughts
it was a beautifully sad write to me
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I love the imagery you have used...it feels like autumn, even though, I see you're expressing something that happened long before. It's an ending, a loss.
Enjoyed reading
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Well you know me and my preference for minimalization. Even though I'm a bit of a windbag myself.
She should have been
delivered by Columbus,
the Santa Maria (cut "the")
sailed into a new world, (I'd bring this into present and change "sailed" to "sails").
her first breaths (maybe "first breaths like Indian summer". I know it's an easy simile but it's a powerful image and I think it works this way).
an Indian summer.
She would have followed the sun (If you change the tense, this will have to change as well).
until it runs into the moon
the sky becomes a black opal
that plays tag with the equinox.
(Maybe "sky like opal, playing tag with equinox")?
She would have balanced
the scales of Libra
when her umbilical cord was cut.
(The last line here doesn't work for me. But I can't give you a specific, so it may just be me).
Long before the trees began
to drown in brown and scorched orange
nights became a black cat
stretched out across her mother’s path.
(I'll get back to you on the last stanza). -
Clever... all the best!
MJ.
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Definitely an autumnal feel to this- excellent imagery. Loved the last stanza.
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I agree with nicole....really, i'm not just buttering up so i don't win!
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Nice, you tightened this up really well.
I forgot to say I love the rhyme you managed to put in the last stanza, not obvious, and also ..unexpected. Works well
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Thanks for all the help
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oh...and feel free to delete that comment if you want Or let me know if you want me to edit it out and recomment when and if you make edits.
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No need to edit it out.
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She should have been
delivered by Columbus,
the Santa Maria
sailed into a new world
I try when writing not to use ...like... as... etc, let the statement speak it without it being a blatant simile. Does that make sense? I think it lends more power to the statement. I readjusted the order of things a bit in the first stanza... you can take or leave any of what I offer here I am doing what I would do with my own.
Her first breaths,
an Indian summer.
(kind of did the same thing here..you've already established the tense of this well enough that you can afford to cut out the would have should have statements for the most part)
Like the marigold (not sure about this line, I understand why it is here, but I think the stanza would be just as powerful if not maybe a little more without it...)
she would have followed the sun
until it ran into the Harvest Moon (changed the tense to agree with the rest, also, while i know you are writing for a month/season, I'd consider leaving it at 'into the moon')
the sky becomes a black opal (removed an extra and )
that plays (removed the gerund for impact) tag with the equinox.
She would have balanced the (dangling the
I'd move it to the next line)
scales of Libra
when her umbilical cord (needed the cord) was cut.
Long before the trees began (removed the 'but', again, not entirely necessary, just parsing some of the excess)
to drown in brown and scorched orange
nights became a black cat
stretched out across her mother’s path.
Love love love that stanza...beautiful. ^^^
While the corn was still
green in the fields
the jack-o-lanterns were carved
too soon for Halloween.
(I almost want to suggest ending this at the previous stanza, so powerful, and a great image.... gives you a powerhouse ending)
I really do like this, I like how you made it autumn without pushing it too far to get it there. All I really did was cut some of the extra words, and you are welcome, as i mentioned earlier, to take what you like, and leave what you don't
I enjoyed this.... with a little adjustment i think you will be right up there with the finalists in this contest.
Nice work, Danna
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Thanks so much for the input! I love all your suggestions, especially about cutting that last stanza. I was uneasy about it to begin with. I will have to save it for another poem.
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