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thursday; six thirty five

+

I passed him as he was
leaving, and I still don't

know why I stopped

"you look heavy"

this from a ragtag boy who
was wearing a jacket
two sizes too big; decorated
by creases, crumb-filled

pockets and a broken zipper

 

it matched his laugh

 

I searched his face for
familiarity and found
nothing; wondered what
he saw in mine to smile about

"let me help"

his eyes spoke wearily
of too many late nights,
but his skin was warm
against my goosebumps.


we held hands and watched
the sun rise, only to be
swallowed by july shadows.

I thought the world would
never be warm again

"you look lighter already"

as he walked away without
telling me his name, I
greeted the espresso machine,
and realised he was right

+

Author notes

I would have liked to know his name.
July sends her clouds to me sometimes - just to let me know that she still loves me.

A contest entry

This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 16 of 16

  • ronnica
    February 23

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my, real or unreal this tells of "ships that pass in the night" or "brief encounter. Beautifully sad but I loved every line,


  • Cat gold member
    February 14
    Edit | Reply
    thanks so much for entering

    m


  • ml12
    January 30

    Edit | Reply
    I don't know if any of this happened but it somehow doesn't matter. I enjoyed reading this and the way it flowed without excessive and distasteful rhyming. I thought he was calling you fat at first but I'm glad he wasn't...because you're not.


  • Grunts Girl gold member
    January 23

    Edit | Reply
    i passed him as he was
    leaving, and i still don't
    know why i stopped

    "you look heavy"

    this from a ragtag boy who
    was wearing a jacket
    two sizes too big; decorated
    by creases, with crumb-filled
    pockets and a broken zipper
    ((I think in the first stanza change was leaving to left and in the second stanza was wearing to wore...it makes the thought more natural? I think because you have such images packed thick it helps to simplify those parts. just an idea. also take out the 'with' just have it creases, crumb filled pockets, and a broken zipper. I like the image of this boy and the specifics chosen- made me wonder and think that he was eating at the time or something... like an on the go thing))



    it matched his laugh
    ((i liked this simple way to make me hear him))


    i searched his face for
    familiarity and found
    nothing; wondered what
    he saw in mine to smile about

    "let me help"

    his eyes spoke wearily
    of too many late nights,
    but his skin was warm
    against my goosebumps.
    (((i liked the human wonderment to the first part... i often wonder what people see in me at certain times and why they do things... i like how you describe his kind nature and in a way... his kind eyes without saying eyes)))


    we held hands and watched
    the sun rise, only to be
    swallowed by july shadows;
    i thought the world would
    never be warm again
    (((i liked the concept of this and the picture but i think there is away to edit it... the first line is heavy....I also wonder what his hand felt like... there is sooo much to explore there... like my hand in his [insert his hand feeling here],and there are so many ways to explain a sunrise without saying it. I think with a little touch here and there this could be so much stronger.
    i loved the line swallowed by july shadows because you made your month the backdrop to this encounter - the encounter is the poem not the month... that is great It is neat the last line how it shows vulnerability inside hope.)))

    "you look lighter already"

    as he walked away without
    telling me his name, i
    greeted the espresso machine,
    and realised he was right
    (((sometimes it is better to never get the names lol... this was a nice encounter that i wish everyone could expirience to lift them up on hard days. I wonder how he walked away... i am thinking it could be sexy since hand holding took place LOL ... anyway, I did enjoy this a lot even though it may seem that i tore it apart.... I dont want you to feel that- I see so many places in this that can be explored to give feel, sight, or sound to this - it is a great base story and wonderful take on your month and I really enjoyed reading it a great deal. It took me to a moment of my own years ago of a stranger encounter, but mine was in a grocery store and I was really having a hard day... any write that takes me to a personal memory of my own is touching. Thank you so much for taking the time to enter our contest))



  • charcoal
    January 21

    Edit | Reply
    '...crumb filled
    pockets and a broken zipper

    it matched his laugh'

    i loved that line and the dialogue

    and the ending

    ummm... the rest of the parts too lol

    i love your poem. makes we want to have a chance encounter hehe





  • Dalaney gold member
    January 10

    Edit | Reply
    I think we all would like to know his name...
    I just love the feeling this gave me...warm and wondrous...no one is ever really a stranger, are
    they?

    Love, Lane


  • Harrisham Minhas
    January 10

    Edit | Reply
    Subtly and vividly expressed.



  • Rowan gold member
    January 10

    Edit | Reply
    Sounds like an angel...
    I think 'realised' should be realized. But other than a few small personal nits, like commas at the end of a line break; I always feel the break takes care of that. But that's a personal taste, lol. I think this fits the prompt very very nicely, indeed. There's human lightness in this.


    • Polaja Greeters member
      January 10
      Edit | Reply
      I'll have a look at the punctuation and see what I can do with it "realised" isn't spelt wrong because I'm Australian, and we use British English rather than American English thank you for your lovely comment though, I'm glad you liked it!


      • notorious
        January 14
        Edit | Reply
        Bloody hell - I'm Canadian and use American spellings.

      • Rowan gold member
        January 10
        Edit | Reply
        lol. I'm Canadian. I could have it all wrong, but you have to admit, I'm nice about it. It's our way.
        My lineage is Irish/British though... shit/shite... I better start to correct them too. lol. I appreciate that, honest. I didn't know that.
        Kathleen


  • Miss Faerie Greeters member
    January 9

    Edit | Reply
    I think that things happen for a reason. People come along to help us a little without any real word before moving on.

    Your words brought me into the tale in your mind.

  • notorious
    January 9

    Edit | Reply
    'heavy' and 'lighter'
    Loved that juxtaposition.

    Your AN also made me want to know his name, too.

    "wondered what
    he saw in mine to smile about"
    OH DARWIN
    I wish I'd written this.
    Seriously.
    I have this feeling all the time with different people and actually think about it later in the day like some freak who has appellations for every smile she gets (I don't, but I might as well).

    ;
    Jessica


  • PersephoneInWinter
    January 8

    Edit | Reply
    i loved how you captured these few moments so simply. beautiful, as always

    good luck with the contest!

  • piggyback
    January 8

    Edit | Reply
    Aww this is so good. I love the italic lines, which are great metaphors and sound both human and descriptive of the month. I also love the apparent randomness of your descriptions here. How it all has a je-ne-sais-quoi but it's still real, day-to-dayish. Loved this.


  • redbird
    January 8
    Edit | Reply
    you and your turtles!

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