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somewhat like a letter, somewhat from the surface.


i am going through

the pictures of last year, Sam

 

 

you played too much violin

by the street; once you played for an old man

who sat, dwarfed by exhaustion and sipped tea with me.

 

 

i understand why you had

deep-dark clouds;

 

your eyes

were so out of my reach

 

one picture

shows all your instruments

and books- 

they're singing to me. funny.

 

you remember, your voice?

not as volatile as those clouds.

 

i am telling you,

i took the time to hear you, honest.

 

 

remember the shawl?

 

i took out thorns and shiny gravels from it once,

i couldn't tell you, you were so paranoid

about moving

sailing and everything

 

 

i wish there was time enough in one season

i would discuss our son's name.

 

Author notes

this sucks. sorry.
this is completely impersonal... lol.. even though i had an "almost"real person in my head while i wrote it.

In a list

A contest entry

i distort facts at times. fact-of-my-life is sigularly a pain in the butt. so sometimes it's completely not fiction. don't waste your points on me please.

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Comments

1 - 16 of 16

  • Cat gold member
    February 14
    Edit | Reply
    thanks so much for entering

    m


  • Grunts Girl gold member
    January 25

    Edit | Reply
    i am going through
    the pictures of last year, Sam

    i remember how
    you played too much violin
    by the street; once you played for an old man
    who sat, dwarfed by exhaustion and sipped tea with me.
    ((i really liked the opening first two lines... because you are going through photos of last year tells me that you are remembering alreayd- you show me this within the first two lines...so i would start the second with 'you played..' i liked the image of sipping tea ))

    now that i look back,
    i understand why you had
    deep-dark clouds inside your eyes
    ((take out the now. just start with I understand because I am still with you right where you want me to be ))

    [so out of my reach]

    one of them
    shows all your instruments
    and books-
    they're singing to me. funny.
    ((i am thinking that its the dark cloud that is showing the instruments not one of the eyes itself right?- and then after i read the next lines- ok... it is the cloud- nevermind - i am thinking outloud and just write as i go---anyway....I think take out 'and books' leave it with shows all your instruments singing to me....i like that idea, i like how you give me that feeling of trying to grasp)))

    you remember, your voice?
    not as volatile as those clouds.

    i am telling you,
    i took the time to hear you. honest.
    ((I would make the voice a statement... it seems stronger that way and then with the killer line of 'i took the time to hear you, honest'.. i think that was such an impactful line and shows the moment of standing up within the memory)))

    remember the shawl?

    i took out thorns and shiny gravels from it once,
    i couldn't tell you, you were so paranoid
    about moving
    sailing and everything
    (((i liked the metaphor in this. it reminds me so much of disfunction yet protection)))

    i wish there was time enough in one season
    i would discuss our son's name.
    (((and why am i sitting here in a bit ouch! pain is wrapped up in that shawl. I did so like this even though i think i made suggestions everywhere- and that is all they are - suggestions. I adored many many parts and certain lines really stood out to me. Thanks sooo much for this entry ))


  • Rowan gold member
    January 14
    Edit | Reply
    so soft; disembodied is a perfect word for this. I loved it.


  • DogFish silver member
    January 13
    Edit | Reply
    "this sucks. sorry..."
    You fooled me!


  • styrofoam
    January 12
    Edit | Reply
    +++
    (:


  • redbird
    January 11
    Edit | Reply
    +


  • parachute fog
    January 11

    Edit | Reply
    it's as tho your words were water particles

    the disembodied feel this creates overall speaks of such winsome sadness


  • redbird
    January 8
    Edit | Reply
    november is ok


  • divebar
    January 8
    Edit | Reply
    yes

1 - 16 of 16