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Behind the Baptism Pool

 

 

 

I found you
between lunch and fourth period
taut in my thighs, like the fading

flesh of leaves.


Something about this reminds me
of darren
on a cheap
twenty dollar bus ride.


You advise, "tuck your blouse."

"Not so neatly!"


We're back in class
before the first break of branch.

 

I hope our conversations
haven't quite browned 
and I still fit
your five-minute attention span.

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

ie twenty Jamaican dollars

September

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 22 of 22
  • Cat gold member
    February 14
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks so much for entering.

    Mary


  • queenie gold member
    January 30

    Edit | Reply
    I FEEL SPECIAL BECAUSE I SO KNEW IT WAS SEPTEMBER. not because it was so blantant but because it clear in the depth of it. it has a autumn feel to it and it made me think of outdoorsy colors. this is very well done. my best to you in the contest.


  • ca ne fait rien
    January 28

    Edit | Reply
    Oh gosh I read this and without knowing which month, I thought, this is like going back to school after summer holidays.
    'fading flesh of leaves'
    is just fabulous. I shall never again think of September (my favourite month and my birth month) without thinking of that line.


    • J.J. Sass
      January 28
      Edit | Reply
      glad to add a nice memory to your favourite month, and thank you so much for the kind comment.


  • Grunts Girl gold member
    January 22

    Edit | Reply
    I found you
    between lunch and fourth period
    taut in my thighs, like the fading

    flesh of leaves.

    ((( I really enjoyed how you opened this. I am wanting to know what happens next and that is great. I like how you were able to set up the season with the reference to school and leaves... I read the poem and try to pass over the month to see if i guess correctly- so far yes I think sepetember. I liked the mix of innocent with the school age yet the adult sex of flesh without being shoved in my face... its like you are showing me without telling me how teenage sex is...)))


    Something about this reminds me
    of darren
    on a cheap
    twenty dollar bus ride.


    You advise, "tuck your blouse."

    "Not so neatly!"
    (((I like how you added emotion here, again without the telling... I feel the anxious worry yet excitement and a hint of resentment or something - maybe resentment isnt the right word- something dark though - you liked it but didnt like it...)))


    We're back in class
    before the first break of branch.

    (((break of branch... I had a partner i worked with who was a jamaican police officer who came up and became an officer with us- i went to the academy with him and i would always make him do the beer commercial to make me smile on a bad day... he had such a heavy accent and he also would say the stranges things sometimes-- break of branch is just something that he would have said in a second and i like how with three words you expose the culture of this piece. Subtle and such a gift- and i appreciate that i am taken back to a great memory of my own)))


    Will you call tonight?
    ((( I dont think this line is even needed... you set up the feeling of insecurity better with the next two lines. I would definately take this out)))


    I hope our conversations
    haven't quite browned
    and I still fit
    your five-minute attention span.

    (((again browned as a reference to september- subtle and nice. LOL i love the sting of 5 min attention span. The ending brought me to another emotion of insecurity and sarcasm...
    I like how you covered a realm of emotions and told it within a story while subtly showing me september... this was really lovely! Thank you so much for taking the time to enter our contest.))






    • J.J. Sass
      January 22
      Edit | Reply
      wow. heidi, thanks so much for the time you put into reading and commenting on this piece. i'm so happy that you could draw a personal memory from it, especially one that connects to my culture! i definitely agree on that line... i wasn't too sure about it initially and juggled back and forth and i guess that was the version that got posted lol. thanks sooo much!


  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    January 16

    Edit | Reply
    Dis be sum righteous words for sure, jah man!

    Lol! Loved this hon, all the best.

    MJ.


  • tara wilson gold member
    January 11

    Edit | Reply
    "I found you
    between lunch and fourth period
    taut in my thighs," -- what a line to draw the reader in!!...wonderful..LOl..i love this..i also like 'before the first break of branch'...nice..

    Double D series..love that, too...lmao..i'll have to check those out..must be poems about this darren guy??

    best of luck..stacy, i think you need a space after the comma in L3...

    • J.J. Sass
      January 15
      Edit | Reply
      thanks for the heads up tara and yes they relate to darren, though they're not all about him.. like this one - he was just a reference lol. (and his name isn't really darren LOL)


  • redbird
    January 11
    Edit | Reply
    september IS my favorite month. =] i love this.


  • Jersene gold member
    January 11

    Edit | Reply
    September is one of my favourite months

    loved the last stanza and 'the fading flesh of leaves'
    definitely fits the month


  • Rowan gold member
    January 10

    Edit | Reply
    I got married in September, I almost picked this month too. You've done it more justice than I could.
    I loved the 'not too neatly' lol.


    • J.J. Sass
      January 10
      Edit | Reply
      aww thanks Kathleen! I got married right at the end of August, so honeymoon spilled into September!


  • chloris
    January 9

    Edit | Reply
    and I still fit
    your five-minute attention span.->>> you're my new heroine!!! damn that was mean! and so edible... yummy.
    i really liked it. you know what exactly to say and very concisely too. ahhhsum.


  • redbird
    January 8
    Edit | Reply
    let me know when you've posted too!


  • tara wilson gold member
    January 7
    Edit | Reply
    let me know when you've posted

  • tara wilson gold member
    January 7
    Edit | Reply
    oh, LOL....i should have clued in, i already saw the contest...duh...

    i am thinking of which month i'd want...

1 - 22 of 22