When your eyes crossed paths with mine,
You asked, "Are you all right?"
I replied that I believed I was fine.
I saw in your eyes a watery light,
And I wanted to hold you,
I felt you trembling, so slight.
All of a sudden at this point I knew,
It was I, in your arms that lay,
And on all sides lights red and blue,
You told me I would be okay,
The shaking was from the cold,
Of the somber, funereal day.
All of a sudden, the world pitched and rolled,
I could feel vomit rising like smoke,
As I turned to throw up, I saw i'd been fooled.
My body looked like a sick joke,
And I refused to believe it.
Until the fires of pain were stoked.
I knew I was lying in blood and shit,
That my stomach was a mass of gore,
And I knew I was a closed casket.
I looked in to your eyes once more,
And realized the tears were for me,
A casulty of a cruel, senseless war.
I said that soon I'd be free,
But I'd miss you when I'd departed,
I and you, no longer we.
I've no stomach and am broken-hearted,
Because of fear in the unknown,
Fear of this world they've started.
I'm glad that you've shown,
All of the medics, and police,
That even I wasn't always alone.
Author notes
I just found this in my drafts, I don't even remember writing it. Be honest, brutally if need be.
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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The bitter bold reality of this is like slamming into a rock wall. I read this over and over and found it to be of great merit to my soul as I was being a selfish bitch today. This made me take a second look around me at the peace and quiet I am blessed with. Thanks for sharing.
Az
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I thought that this was really sad and a very beautiful write. Very well done. I really liked it. xo
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i found this quite interesting
i got a little lst here and there
but once i read it a few more time
i found that i injoyed it
i think you did a good job
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good concept
I don't like the structure, It's a great idea but I'm having to work too hard to make sense of it. Anti-war poems should be straight forward, or the people you're trying to convert won't get it. They won't want to see the message, and therefore won't find it.
The rhyming is good, it keeps the rhythm driving onwards, but perhaps if you had a rigid ABAB rhyme instead? It'd be a nice echo of an army's marching feet and give a good idea of how your 'I' was driven to their ending.
I like the brutal honesty here though, the goryness. All the more shocking because it is the 'I' whose body has been damaged.
This has major potential with a bit of structure jiggling.
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Much Mahalos for your very inuitive review. I'll try it out and see what I can do. Yeah, i'm starting to think terza rima (the rhyme scheme) is only good for epics and other long works.
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