I feel as if, I'm embarking on an adventure.
a cold, skin-of-your-teeth, type of adventure.
one where paranoia is common, as is an
unnaturally inhibited sense of self.
A decade of cowardice has concocted a vile
and odious bouquet that we now shall guzzle.
serves them right for raising us as wolves and
now that we are faced with real human
emotions, we are beside ourselves with fear.
I think we need to recollect our thoughts on this
decision. Can they hear me? I have no premonitions,
only hope sequestered deep down inside; the massive
artery which is accommodated so lovingly behind
my rib cage.
It used to be that whenever life delivered a problem
I devoted my self to paint; applied reason to the
canvas before me. Now, now that is no option, no,
I wouldn't advise you to place a bet on it.
By the end, we will all graduate as civilized;
young animals
stanza 1 is awkward to me, as well with the last line, and the first two sentences of stanza 3. critiscims
Comments
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Is awkwardness a bad thing? Depends what you are trying to express.
Your giving this a centre justification and an almost-regular stanza length means that subconsciously you are reaching out for a more formal poetry. Trust me - been there. Don't run away from this, but rather explore it.
The poem has a definite voice. It isn't vernacular. It shows your education and your vocabulary. Is that how you want to pitch the oratory of this piece? It does work.
"I have not a clue" is awkward, as is the length of the last line (suggestion: split it after "civilized"). The second stanza is very strong. That "i" in the penultimate line looks like a typo.
You continue to interest and impress me. Keep it up. Please.
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