A Rant and a Prayer

It's what it is God
I love my control and I know you'd rather I trust
Trust is so hard for me to do
I've been betrayed so many times
That if betrayals were plastic surgeries
I'd be a barbie doll
Painted eyes, fake smiles
Masks that hide an ultimate pain

And I feel I've become that
Hiding behind my mask afraid to show who I really am
Because I am so afraid it's not gonna
Be enough for them
That the only person who is ever going to get me
Is the one I never want in my life again
He was the enabler
And I never should have gotten involved with him

Lofty promises of the future
Promises he couldn't keep
Lies he told me. All those lies!
It's no wonder I had a feeling so early on
And why didn't I trust my instincts then, God
Why can't I trust that you'll lead me
Down the right path in due time
Instead of settling for the first thing to come along

But on the other hand I feel as though
You want me to settle
Because it's not like You're opening very many doors
All the doors seem shut, and the windows nailed
Being the impatient, impertinent person I am
I painted a picture in translucent rose
Rather than seeing the picture that was truly there
And if I had prayed and sought the truth I could have saved myself so much pain

I know You're trying to teach me to be paitient
To be trusting of the plans You have for me
And God it is so hard for me to do this
But I know you bring the beauty from ashes
Diamonds come from the coal
And like the Diamond must withstand the fire and pressure
So must I to become who you made me to be

Amen