I want to be a player,
Learn all sorts of pick up lines
Become the piece of beauty
Everyone fawns to get with
Only to be shot down.
I want to be that dream girl,
Cold, callous, and utterly uncaring
To everyone
No matter how much they try
To get to me.
But I can’t.
I am no such evil creature,
No such devil’s saint.
Whatever I am capable of,
It is not the vindictive uncaring
That whisks off in the morning,
Only perfume smell left behind.
I can cope,
Without you.
But I would rather survive
With you.
I would rather live with you.
Allow my soul to whimper,
A few more strains,
Before it must be contained.
Author notes
This did not end the way I wanted it to, or the way I thought it would.
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Wow
You know, I like to give honest opinions on poetry, I think it's the honest ones that help the most (so please take what I'm about to say as a compliment, because that's what it's meant as).
I've never read a poem quite like this. The actual subject of the poem, normally to me, wouldn't be all that great. Nothing too powerful. Nothing that seems to have some great deep inner meaning. But with this, somehow, all the way through, it grabs my attention, word for word. It absolutely pulls me in, and is worded so beautifully and structured so well that the actual subject doesn't matter anymore, you're just entranced by the actual writing. Which is a very good thing, the mark of a really talented poet, because that means you could write about anything at all and still have people wanting to give you rave reviews. Incredibly well done! Beautiful work!
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I must say, that was one of the most flattering comments I've had, and I'm not entirely sure how to respond to it.
Simply, thank you.
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No matter it is a part of you and words that come from deep within even though we didn't expect it to come out that way truly are masterpieces. Great write.
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well, i can see that ha ha.
now, some of the lines dont mesh, some of the lines are nice. i personally like how the poem twists around. and not all beautiful girls are... evil or, "cold callous and uncaring" as you say. some of us think we are completely horrible for the sole fact that we are beautiful... some of us so perfect that we're complete freaks... but sorry i got carried away nice write dear.
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This was, honestly, a very in-depth critique and I must say thank you. I'm glad to know, too, that someone sees the twists the way I do.
I'm not sure that some of the lines were supposed to be pretty, or 'mesh', but...I'm sure soem revision is needed.
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Solid and honest. Who can resist?
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i loved your word choices, really conveyed emotion to me
my favorite lines were
"I am no such evil creature,
No such devil’s saint."
very good!
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great word choice used in your poem, it was really brilliantly written. the only thing i hav eto say about it is that it doesn't quite flow perfectly, but otherwise its an amazing write. keep up the good job!
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You can't be a player and be serious about someone at the same time, Love the detail work. Very much a pleasure to read.
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This poem was great. It flowed well and the imagry was good. I lok foward to reading more of your work.
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We are what we are.
poets and nothing more, yet everything more. True free spirits. Creatures of the shadows. Knowing of what can't be known. And shouldn't be shown. Yet we show it. Poets, I like this one.....chael And souls cannot be contained only temporarily restrained
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wow. this is amazing. well done. this poem is a masterpiece. thanks for sharing
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Thank you, very much. Your kind words are most appreciated.
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Glad you realized that...
awesome until the last verse.
...but sometimes our muse tells us things about our inner most feelings, then we go "WHAT THE F***"
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[sighnod]
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Oh, Oh ...I know where that is.
...it's Biblical. ... and the Flatulites traveled out of Egypt to the foothills of Mt. Sighnod." Am I right?
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[laughs] Funny.
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this is beautiful.
just... the simple honesty of it.
well done.
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Thank you, very much.
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