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mourning the sweet fidelity

 

 

 

I mourn

before the zephyr bends back my held orchid          buried upon his grave

gossamer eyes find these cobwebs, sticking to the

snow:

 

here you are, eternal sleep, where you are dead        name, unknown

and no words have parted my lips since then                                       

when,

I was your piano and lover, said I to the cold Opera film:

no love shall have me, si je n'ai pas l'amour

 

and of course my lips were rinsed in the copper ambrosia 

                  your eyes, thin membranes

 

which have closed now, and shall remain and

keep me intoxicated upon the silence,          the Death that has stopped,

oh, set me into your canvas, and of what we are made                        

                                                             of clay, and the spirit that speaks,

 

hums into your bones, where every God I have called down,

has offered me a way back to the sun. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    

Author notes

Dedicated to my aunt, who passed away earlier this morning. I love you and I can't wait to see you again. Thank you so much for the edits Moqui Takoda . Image Credit: perfect-sky

In a list

A contest entry

tremble and sway me, wind, and I will bow to your command

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 22 of 22

  • malmadre gold member
    April 1

    Edit | Reply
    So beautifully dramatic! imagery taking me to the gravesite as an observer, silently watching a lone mourner, who is lost within her thoughts. Congratulations on the wonderful wins!


  • Blue Rew silver member
    March 7

    Edit | Reply
    The formatting frames each sorrowed thought struggling to be felt.
    You capture the heart well and the piece (like
    so many of your writes) extends well beyond
    the fine-tuned words. Big hugs on your glorious win. Blue


  • Skybow silver member
    March 6

    Edit | Reply
    Congratulations on the Gold, this is a huge contest and quite a coup.

    Your poem is intoxicating to read, like taking a step and finding yourself in a dream dimension. Beautiful, poignant work!

  • Rowan gold member
    March 6
    Edit | Reply
    Congratulations!


  • Kevin Moderators member
    March 5

    Edit | Reply
    lovely piece, interesting formatting.

    some of the words liek zephyr / gossamer / cobwebs, felt a bit too "free floading" for me at first, but then I got into the flow of the piece.

    lots of power. Lovely word, 'membranes'.

    'intoxicated silence' = close to a cliche, but skirts the line ok.

    "and of what we are made / of clay" too many of's?

    beautiful piece!


  • Symphony
    February 19

    Edit | Reply
    Ahha, I know that I just read one of your other poems, because the formatting is precisely the same So I won't re-comment on that side of things!

    Parts of this appealed to me, and others not so much so however that's not a critique, but just a personal take from the poem itself -

    However this was both moving, and yet uplifting in some unknown way, at the same time! Very well written,

    Thanks for entering


  • Violet Moodswing Greeters member
    February 15

    Edit | Reply
    Sad and triumphant all in one. I love that, while it expresses the deep sorrow we feel when losing someone dear to us, it also focuses on the feelings we have toward them that keeps them dear to us forever.

    It is a beautiful write that involves me as a reader rather than leaving me to be the spectator.


  • lowercase prelude gold member
    January 20

    Edit | Reply
    My condolences to you and your family

    Your poem is extremely well written. And wonderful dedication to your aunt. Your word usage is magnificent.


  • Mr Violet
    January 17

    Edit | Reply
    Incredible. It's absolutely beautiful; 'Sticking to the snow' was a line of genius. The ending is beyond perfect.


  • Never Fall in Love
    January 16

    Edit | Reply
    9/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
    8/10 - poetic devices/technique
    9/10 - imagery
    10/10 - emotion

    Total: 36/40

    This is really well written - I can't even think of a critique. Th only thing that put me off was te age language that seemed to be in a very early era - with words like: shall, Oh, and so on.


  • Ryno
    January 15

    Edit | Reply

    38/40

    9/10 - creativity, without getting off topic
    9/10 - poetic devices/technique
    10/10 - imagery
    10/10 - emotion

    I loved your take on your prompt. The idea of death itself being a crime of love... its just awe-striking.

    The beauty in this piece, especially for such a sorrow-filled one, is indescribable.

    I can't really think of anything else to say... amazingly penned.


  • Room without doors gold member
    January 15

    Edit | Reply

    Outstanding

    I thought the last line was very powerful and gave a great ending to this poem. Your choice of language is exceptional and the imagery sublime. So sad to hear about your aunt - mine died a month or so ago and I am still in shock about it.


  • sora.
    January 14

    Edit | Reply
    many works regarding death have a habit of making me feel clammy, but the imagery here is cool and mellifluous.
    brilliant.


  • sideways hourglass
    January 11

    Edit | Reply
    "I mourn
    before the zephyr bends back my held orchid buried upon his grave
    gossamer eyes find these cobwebs, sticking to the
    snow: "
    beautiful opening image,
    and the rest of it was stellar too.
    Good luck in the competition.


  • Ditt0
    January 10

    Edit | Reply

    offered me a way back to the sun?

    I find this piece having a aura of calamity surrounding it... Really, your foundations of words somehow manage to attach powerful emotion to your pieces... For some reason before reading AN, I thought this was about an unmarked grave... Sometimes your intellect baffles me Ad...

    Congrats on another killer.


  • Cannonsfire
    January 10

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    Just took my breath away, a love poem the way it should be full of breath and life and nothing ordinary. Brilliant. C

  • Nicole Hanna
    January 10

    Edit | Reply
    Loved the last two lines. Being called back to the sun is such a wonderful image. Thanks for entering. This is more of what I'm looking for.


  • GoodbyeFarewell
    January 10

    Edit | Reply

    wow

    i really love this piece great job this is the best poem i have read all day great job keep up the good work keep it up keep it going stay true stay sic peace out and have a nice day


  • letters to no one
    January 9

    Edit | Reply
    Awh, I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt.
    I'm sure she will be honoured that you wrote a poem dedicated to her.

    "no love shall have me, si je n'ai pas l'amour"

    No love shall have me, if I don't have love.

    Wow.

    Lovely.

    Good luck in the contest
    Shelly
    x


  • Danny Beatty gold member
    January 8

    Edit | Reply
    everything about this beautiful ... the formatting on the left can actually be read as a separate poem, an abstract minimal, and so this has some elements of cubism in it .. the sorrow of the poet soars beyond the immediate and becomes transcendental ... this is a perfection of lament, a bringing of all things beautiful to bear upon this memory and spreading into other aspects of the poet's life ... you last line is almost unbearably enchanting ... your poem makes me think of a loved one who died also ,,,, and this is the sign that you have reached my cold, and toughened core .. thank you

    i have no criticism of this poem, except bring in the right side about five backspaces and then leave it alone

    proud to know a poet with such as is your inner light


  • redbird
    January 6
    Edit | Reply
    lovely. im so sorry


  • luna-midnight gold member
    January 6

    Edit | Reply
    aw...im sorry about your aunt..
    but this is a brillant poem, and dedication.
    good luck and take care
    Stephanie ♥

1 - 22 of 22