+
my hipbones were too
heavy to keep my stomach
inflated, and my spine sank
at the insistence of your
oh-so-pure voice; sank into
the laughing earth with its
promise of strength renewed
+
I drift past tendons too tired
to hold bones in shape. past your
body as it stretches into a
grotesque funhouse image. but
worse is the triumph in those
suddenly-too-wide eyes
+
your silent assurances of equality
are measured against the step
of a just-one-more-time record
and it takes more effort than
I expected, but my finger is steady
when I press replay
+
Author notes
AN: Polaja
Second chances don't count when the third time's the charm.
Maybe you won't understand this - maybe you will; but let me know what you think regardless.
A contest entry
- pick a number 1-25. by TChaplinette.
400 points, ended January 25, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
First up, congrats on the gold! I'll be honest, I didn't get it...not that that's new for me. I loved the images created. Even though there seemed to be two characters, I didn't think the other was as important...merely a catalyst of sorts in the tension of the main character...my thoughts are probably babble though. Cheers
-
Oh, and that gold - YES.
-
"oh-so-pure"
Didn't like that.
"as it stretches into a
grotesque funhouse image."
!!!
Where'd you think of that? It reads off effortlessly and the word 'grotesque' is so fitting; I'd never think to use it...it's just so very very cool.
"but
worse is the triumph in those
suddenly-too-wide eyes"
I loved "but worse is the triumph" but not "suddenly-too-wide". I guess I just don't like the hyphenated phrases in this poem (not because they're hyphenated, but it's easier to identify them as hyphenated...I dunno).
I don't think you need the 'and' in the last stanza...although if I reread it again, I'd probably change my mind, so ignore me.
I do like the italicization for 'replay'.
&, you never told me you were done - it's just a good thing I creep on your page on a regular basis.
;
Jessica
Postscript: Is there a difference in my commenting when I'm sick and when I'm not? (Not counting this postscript). Oh well.
-
i love body imagery, love it.
and you used it well with the prompt.
i was expecting some simple poem saying "you suck, stop being a moron." but you definitely went outside the box.
well done,
-taylor.
-
Tell me when you're done!!!
-
your prompt is...
Second chances don't count when the third time's the charm.
good luck!
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
