Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Lost on the Second Leg

 Love's a 200m freestyle relay,
      and I got my money on us.

I've seen you swim
like a machine.
 
        But when it came to showtime,
      too much on the line,
    I stroked effortlessly up to the edge-


but you never jumped in.
 You never got on the blocks.


You know how much I lost?
  And it's all your fault.

I know you can swim.
         Yet you're cooling down at the shower
    and I don't come over
  to join you.

I run that lap you neglected,
  then facedown ask myself
    "what was so fearsome
            she couldn't start?

I've seen her as a machine?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

option 2, rewrite of http://allpoetry.com/poem/2890038, as per contest rules

 

I picked a random page, this was the second I looked at.

Much better this time, I think.

Actually about a real relationship, as opposed to the original.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Iridessa MoonFlower
    January 11

    Edit | Reply
    WOW! This is amazingly done. I love the format, the words you used. Thank you for entering. ~~Iridessa~~


  • couldbeworse
    January 7

    Edit | Reply
    loved the metaphorical theme in this write. very cleverly done. loved:
    I run that lap you neglected,
    then facedown ask myself
    "what was so fearsome
    she couldn't start?

    I've seen her as a machine?"