It falls,
pitch black,
like the sorrow of the eyes,
caught between heaven and hell,
no one to tell the difference.
If I,
try this again,
I know the fear will break us down,
shudder the flow,
against the rocks,
our waterfall has ceased,
derailed,
ridden its course.
but your arms,
pull me down into your chest,
boundless,
hidden by a beating heart,
pounding in my ear,
why leave?
Where would I go?
what would I do,
if not with you?
It's all right,
tears are beautiful too,
sadness can comfort,
or it can smother,
choose your road,
follow the stars,
an apple slice,
or an orange peel,
both sweet,
but finite as well.
love the darkness, breathe the cataclysmic self indulgence
Comments
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Ok...
There's waaaay too many commas! There doesn't need to be a comma after every line break .
AND to top that off, you didn't read all of the rules.
I'll comment better later tonight or tomorrow... -
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ok. first off:
there are commas because it makes the poem choppy, i want it to shudder when you read it. it supposed to reflect the mood of the poem. you're trying to move forward, but something holds you back. its actually a powerful tool in poetry.
as for your comment, if i didn't follow all the rules, tell me what i didn't do. don't tell me you'll comment better later. you are not fit to judge a contest. i'll remove my poem voluntarily. you are only used to menial poetry that flows in a poppy sensation. you're intellect is as deep as a bathtub. you only read the surface. you haven't a clue obviously how to read or write poetry.
when i judge a contest, if i feel that someone has met the rules in a dissatisfactory way, i comment what they didn't do so they can fix it, not make them wait.
I say not what i say because of insult, only because you have no courtesy and obviously no talent. any poet with half the talent of a third grader would know that commas break flow, and i did it on purpose. there aren't too many commas, you just don't like the flow. You need to learn how to constructively criticize. you never state your own opinion as fact.
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It was choppy which is why I said that there was too many commas, poems need to flow. Choppy poems don't meet my standards most of the time.
As for the "if I didn't follow the rules, tell me", I didn't tell you so you'll be independent and figure out what you didn't do yourself. That way, you won't make the same mistakes in the future. As for this one, you didn't put what I asked in the AN, such as "isn't something Missing??" which was the very last rule I put to make sure everyone read the rules.
I'm sorry if it came out discourteous, I was probably in a really really bad mood, and reading your poem gave me a slight headache when I tried reading it out loud to see where the flow was.
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