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in the same sky

in the same sky
as a toddler's finger...
countless stars

What did you think

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • poet107
    January 25
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    yep...that does it alan...reads much better...i like the line switch...will make the change...well done poet...larry


  • Tishu
    January 25

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    countless stars
    the toddler’s finger
    in the same sky

    Wonderfully observed moment - just feel the phrase (lines 2&3) read a little awkwardly.
    Maybe the switch will make it resonate.

    in the same sky
    as a toddler's finger...
    countless stars


    Alan


  • poet107
    January 7
    Edit | Reply
    hi charishma...thanks for taking the time to comment on this haiku...I also like your take on this one as a whole...but with me on my knees head to head with him...all that was there was his finger and all those stars...thanks again...larry


  • Sai Babas Lotus
    January 7

    Edit | Reply
    Hi! A very nice haiku in a few syllables. Beautiful imagery and nice word choice. I enjoyed the alliteration and assonance in your 'ku. I would re-write this as follows:-

    countless stars
    the toddler's finger
    circles the sky

    Love,
    Charishma

  • Bruce silver member
    January 6

    Edit | Reply
    I like it! Reminds me of my son who used to reach out for the moon and cry when unsuccessful. I like the sound progression with lots of esses in the first line, few in the 2nd, and the a return to strong silibants.

1 - 5 of 5