The world was ours and no one noticed,
bothered to look at the
seagulls in my head and the
firecrackers in your stomach and
all those other common ailments.
We were the California dreamers
in a moonshine state of mind
found only in the back porch of
select talking heads.
We bloomed.
Yes, this is how I've always lived,
stop and start,
rough and tumble,
day-to-day asphyxiation
of the body, soul and
thoughts.
Yet I've found your arms to be
my cocoon,
chrysalis, a
rebirth that no one cared to witness.
To touch you,
electricity,
telepathy,
disintegration of the
mundane,
so to speak.
I wanted to catch hummingbirds for you,
present them with unfolded palms.
Run smoke rings around your head,
grenades of paint, tsunami bombs.
You were a grab bag of every fungus,
every wide-eyed moment.
You were the passion of youth,
fire.
I felt that,
to kiss, quite simply,
was to witness the reality of life
and the heated, swirling colors of the
surreal
combining in a burst,
some sort of post-apocalyptic
mental Zion.
We traced brain waves on
rainy days,
you made your mark on me.
And no one saw
the revolution.
A contest entry
- you and me and everything else by Ryno.
500 points, ended January 13, 2009, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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unbelievable.
i've missed reading your brilliance.
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a lot of good parts- and you've captured that certain poetic voice that so many strive to emulate... the 10 questions are: how much formal work is behind this, how much training, how much study, how much is natural, is it really your mental voice or a voice you've striven to obtain, is this a style, did you get satisfaction out of writing it, or was it obligatory, or worse, trying to impress other poets, (let's see, that's 8... two more...) do you realize this piece is envious, and will cause most readers to try to emulate the lofty airs of your voice here? (yes, I had that urge, too, for your voice dynamics are colorful, not delivered in a mental monotone- and I do love seeing the use of voice dynamics); is this a formula piece, or is it a stream drawn from life experience and acquired writing skills? (there, that's 10!)
Three clappies for... the result, no matter what the means...
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the lengthy comment deserves a lengthy reply, haha. there's not much of any formal work behind it. everything you see on allpoetry is what you get. I've written for a few years now and was never really formally taught how. I read a lot, so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. Bukowski, most of the beats, stuff like that. my poetry is basically, whatever images, feelings, or colors my brain throws at me on paper. I think in a really odd abstract way and that frequently comes out in my imagery, from what I can tell and from what I've heard. I've never written a poem out of obligation and certainly not to impress people. I write when I feel like I've got something beautiful to say or, at least, something to say that's worth saying. That's probably why I'll go days, weeks, months without posting anything on here, simply because my life is dull.
I write the way I speak in my head. I mean, I'm sure that, in real life, I could never deliver raw emotion to someone with such a lofty air but I sure can in my mind.
Every image you find here is drawn out of a real-life experience in a one night period. I make my life beautiful as I possibly can and that's the best way to find inspiration: to live a beautiful, pure life.
That's about all I've got to say. -
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thanks for the interview lol
Well, since it is a stream then I can say you've got a natural poetic voice, so the only thing you need is life to draw from... people will read you just to hear your voice (come to think of it, I've read that that is why a lot of people buy books- to "hear" the author's voice...) so...... I guess my advice would be to keep speaking in your natural voice- for nature has ways of making us alluring without us knowing about it... (and don't try to study it lol it is futile) just know that you have one of those "voices" that readers can "listen" to all day long... which I think will come through no matter what the style or subject... -
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I'm a teenage girl. I can talk about myself all damn day, you know.
But really, thank you very much. I really love my poetry and I hope to express my feelings in a manner that's vivid enough so that the reader can catch the passion of whatever moment I'm stuck in.
It's a wonderful life.
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This was brilliant. I loved the images, the emotion, the concepts, metaphors, symbols...
...but most of all I loved how this felt so real. The sentiments in the piece really dug within the reader and captured the theme.
The only thing I didn't like was the word "swirling". I think that you could use some stronger wording there.
Really though, amazingly well written. Awesome. Thanks for the entry. -
damn. I still enjoy everything you write. Amazing job with this one.
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Damn fishbone...i miss reading you, when your on...and this is definately on! I need to start writing like this again....this is purely and simply perfect! I really love the whole damn thing...but..."disentegration of the
mundane," was the wow factor. Excellent write!!
whyitt u
xxx
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Wow this is absolutely amazing. You really do have a way of spinning words and making them sound more beautiful than they really are.
I love this:
I wanted to catch hummingbirds for you,
present them with unfolded palms.
run smoke rings around your head,
grenades of paint, tsunami bombs.
But one suggestion:
In the line "You were a grab bag of every fungus," it seems a little off, especially the word fungus. I don't know if it's just me but it doesn't seem as cohesive there. -
wow.....this is terrific, i think its what he wanted! either way its brill. and the ending was perfect for it
nicely done and good luck
Stephanie ♥
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